Disclaimer: This is going to be a loooong rant.
I’m so frustrated right now. No, that’s an understatement. I’m seething. I barged into office today morning like an angry bull. I swear I had smoke coming out of my nostrils. And I’m writing this right away so I can effectively capture and convey my heartfelt misery in words before I cool down over an SNL video.
Where is this coming from? The roads. The vehicles on the roads. The drivers in the vehicles on the roads.
The regular commute to office (or driving anywhere) is becoming a bigger nightmare with each passing day. Why? Because the standards of road etiquette and basic common sense seem to be dropping more than ever before. I mean, every single day, I desperately battle my way through hoards of idiots to make it in time before I receive a call or message from my boss, inquiring about my whereabouts. It’s embarrassing. I just want to tell him that, “It’s not me! It’s them!! Please believe me!”
But they just sound like excuses, don’t they? He will never know my suffering. Perhaps, after reading this article.
It’s amazing how much pain these fools subject me to. Every morning when I pull my car out of the parking and take off, I know it’s going to be a tough ride. My patience is tested everyday. Not that I’ve been bestowed with much of that precious human virtue to begin with. Which actually makes me proud of the fact that I’ve been able stay mentally stable until now. I’m sane enough to still have a job, despite the trauma I go through right before starting a day of work.
Maybe I should just start talking about the many kinds of fools out there who infuriate me.
My apologies if this sounds brutal, but I honestly want to shame them. I want to make them realize that they can’t be their aloof, uncaring selves on the streets. They have to, just have to buck up for the greater good. And if you’re one of them (you’ll know it if you are), please, please take note.
Here I go.
Those who don’t know where to go
A classic case of an indicator saying ‘left’ but the car going in the opposite direction at the last moment, leaving me stuck. This random change of mind never fails to baffle me. Well, here’s a piece of my mind. You’ll never be able to make any big decisions in life. You’ll be stuck in dilemma forever. This is my curse to you.
Those who change lanes every 3 seconds
Here’s another lot of indecisive nitwits. Why in the world are you doing that? This isn’t a video game. Your restlessness makes you look silly. You’re not getting ahead of the game, buddy. Try sticking to a lane for once in your life.
Those who try to overtake, then race you
So, here I am, minding my own business, driving like a good girl. But the moment I overtake a slower car, there’s a problem. I have enraged and humiliated the other car’s occupants. They feel cheated and gear up for payback. They start speeding. I look in my rearview and know hurt pride when I see it. I move away, letting them pass before one of us goes flying off the flyover. These inflated egos, I tell you. Sigh.
Those who are painfully slow
No disrespect to the elderly or the super cautious drivers or the learners here. I’m talking about the chillers who’re simply cruising along. This isn’t a road trip, my friend. This is a busy road, full of people trying to reach important destinations in time. They’re in a hurry and got shit to do. Get the hell out of the way. Speed up or get off the damn road.
Those who talk on the phone while driving
Park your car on the side for that conversation. If that’s too much trouble, invest in an earpiece. I mean, how are you even driving with one hand? Want to gossip about last night’s party even though it makes someone late for a meeting? Only a chalaan will fix you.
Those who just can’t stop honking
Stop the damn noise. That button isn’t your venting machine. Press it when needed. The best part is when you’re at a red light, waiting for it to turn green just like everybody else. But then the countdown begins, and so does an orchestra of a hundred sounds of all rhythmic variations. We’re all going deaf someday.
Those who start fighting in the middle of the road
Someone banged your car from behind? I feel for you. I do. We’ve all been there. You’ve got to figure your shit out, play the blame game, and all. Move your respective cars to the side and pull each other’s hair out for all I care. Just stop blocking the traffic for god’s sake. This is your fight alone, not everyone else’s.
Those who won’t keep their buses/trucks in one lane
Just because your ride is bigger than mine you think you’re the king of the road? You’re not, uncle. Trucks and buses are supposed to move one after the other, not parallel to each other. What am I supposed to do? Find a crack in between and make a dash for it? Get crushed and die? I don’t think so.
Those who think they’re in Roadies 24/7
All these bikers should be stuntmen. They certainly act like it. How do they even squeeze through such little space? I’m terrified all the time that a bike will come bulleting out of nowhere and ram into me. Then I’ll be taken to jail and rot in there till the end of time. Slow down and take it easy, roadies. Not everyone is sprinting on two wheels like you.
Those who cross roads in slow motion
You’re not out for an evening stroll in the park. You’re trying to reach the other side of a road that is swarming with speeding vehicles. Then why do you look so calm and walk so slow? Why should I have to hit my brake in panic and bring my car to a screeching halt for you? Stop taking us for granted and work those feet.
Those who park randomly
Why is your car sitting in a space that’s reserved for moving traffic? You locked your car and left, and now here we are, sitting in a jam because of you. Were you in a hurry? Were you too lazy to look for a spot? Well, I hope someone deflates all your tyres or sticks a ticket under your wiper. That should teach you a lesson.
Trust me, I have scanned my own skills and mannerisms while on the road before writing this. I’m not being a hypocrite here. I take care of how I drive. If I make a blooper, I kick myself. I do my share in ensuring a smooth ride for those in my immediate vicinity, and myself.