Have you ever had a friend who says, “Don’t get too attached,” as if your mind has signed a contract before getting intimate with your partner?
Who’s gonna tell him bro, that you’re already in your “Dil pe chale na zorr phase?”
Yeah… your brain didn’t read the instructions. The reality is that intimacy is not just physical. While you think you are “just having a fun time with someone”, your mind is doing some serious work that resembles something between a Marvel movie and the Great Wall of China.
HELL YES! It’s that serious.
Hormones start dropping in the bloodstream like surprise new releases that come out of nowhere. Memory starts recording everything that you go through your time together in a pretty high definition quality.
Therefore, your relationship is not just confusing in terms of feelings; there is also neuroscience involved in the process. Yes, babumoshai, idhar bhi dimag lagaana padta hai!
Here is how strong your brain gets when it comes to intimacy.
First of all, your brain is activating the reward circuit.
What is the major player in the reward circuit? Dopamine.
The neurotransmitter in question is simply the “OMG AGAIN” chemical of the human brain. Released by sections such as the ventral tegmental area (VTA) of the brain, it subsequently flows to the nucleus accumbens, which works with dopaminergic pathways to facilitate motivation, pleasure, and reinforcement.
What does this mean in layman’s terms? It basically means that your brain is saying, “Wow, what an amazing experience! I must remember this person next time.”
Such pathways are used by the brain every time someone eats their favorite food, accomplishes something, wins, or navigates through “Just one more episode” which eventually leads to six of them!
However, dopamine is not responsible for love itself; it just creates a desire for it. It simply makes people want to experience the same rewards again. This might be the reason why your brain sometimes seems to be the top supporter of some relationship that has more of the red flags than a F1 race!
What does oxytocin do?
Oxytocin appears on the scene to have everyone cuddle. If dopamine is the excitement, oxytocin is the emotional support.
Oxytocin is known as the “bonding hormone” or “cuddle hormone”, as it is released through hugging, kissing, cuddling, and especially at orgasm.
The hormone is responsible for trust-building, emotional closeness, attachment, etc. It reduces stress and fear, thus making people feel safer.
Meanwhile, serotonin is… honestly having a weird day
At the same time, serotonin is being affected by all the changes in your life. Serotonin is the chemical that is responsible for regulating mood, emotional stability, and sleeping patterns.
However, the first stages of falling in love are often marked by the decrease of serotonin production.
(Chali gayi dekho woh, meri Whatsapp Sticker collection leke aur serotonin wapas deke.)
Studies suggest that for people falling in love, serotonin activity resembles patterns of obsessive thoughts.
Your brain is now rendered incapable of rational decisions.
Hmm, seems like pyaar me dimaag ghaas charne chala jaata hai is actually facts bro.
This is where things really start to take off. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for thinking logically, making decisions, controlling impulses, and planning for the future.
The term “the brain is well aware of your partner’s latest online activity” essentially explains your thoughts.
Your brain isn’t sick or defective. It is simply exceptionally focused on one particular person. Evolution has decided that this was a good idea.
A strange approach if you ask me, but who am I to argue with evolution?
Adrenaline adds some kalesh into everything that is happening. Ever notice how your heart is racing before that moment of intimacy?
That is the adrenaline, otherwise known as epinephrine. The substance is responsible for stimulating the sympathetic nervous system, which increases the heart rate, blood circulation, awareness of the surroundings, and the energy level.
Utho, Amygdala
The amygdala takes a break!
Not kit kat wala break, but like the one the khargosh took in that race! Yup, it sleeps.
The amygdala serves to create fear, threat, and anxiety. Hence, during closeness, this part of the brain stops working as active as before.
In other words..The brain pays less attention to the threat and focuses on connecting. The reduction in the fear response explains the easier emotional exposure with people you feel safe with. This also explains why being with emotionally secure people often helps us feel more relaxed.
The endorphins arrive like free therapy, bro. Your body produces endorphins. They are natural painkillers made by the brain. Endorphins relieve pain, reduce stress, boost the mood, and lead to a feeling of relaxation and satisfaction. In this sense, one can consider them the home-made comforter of the brain. This is why people often report feeling drowsy, tranquil, or very relaxed after intimacy.
Your memory center gets to work. The hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for formulating memories, works quite actively. Due to its emotional significance, intimacy somehow helps to create stronger memories.
Songs.
The scent of a perfume…
Any meet-cute place…
That sweatshirt…
The playlist….
The café where they stole your fries….
EVERYTHING!
So is it correct to say that we are literally programmed to connect?
It is somewhat true.
Humans are extremely social animals (wow! 7th class NCERT flashbacks) and our brains have evolved in such a way that they reward us for being connected, as being connected has historically increased chances of survival.
Yahan bhi baar gaya 🥀
But it does not mean that every relationship is a romance. It also does not mean that all people experience intimacy in the same way.
The things that matter are the past, attachment style, hormones, emotional security, mental health, personal limits, and the context of the relationship.
Some people form emotional bonds very quickly. And some others don’t. (mujhe kyun toda?)
But what is more and what is important to know is that our brain is not at all calm. It secretes dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, adrenaline, and other neurochemicals, while different systems work together to process rewards, memory, trust, feelings, etc.
So next time anyone states: “It’s just biology,” they will be right.
The funny part is that biology is way more exciting than any dating reality show.
Turns out your biggest relationship overthinker wasn’t your best friend. It was your brain all along.
Toodlesss.