Governments around the world are bracing themselves for worldwide street protests after ball tracking technology Hawkeye was shown to be highly inaccurate.
In a recent Australia v South Africa ODI, Josh Hazlewood bowled AB de Villiers with a vicious off cutter. However, television replays showed that Hawkeye tracked the ball to be going well over the stumps.
Yes. Hawkeye said that the ball that hit the stumps was actually going OVER the stumps. Technology, eh?
Turns out former BCCI top man and all-round fine human being, N. Srinivasan, was right all along. He announced he would be hosting a cocktail party to celebrate the coming demise of DRS.
“The world doubted my wisdom. The Supreme Court doubted my wisdom. But I believed in Sachin’s wisdom and that is why there will be no protests in India.
India rejected DRS like the scourge it is. Like we rejected being good at football. Or allowing people to kiss in public. Or eating beef.”
Meanwhile, local Sydney man Barry McSmith said that he couldn’t believe his eyes.
“It was like that moment when OJ Simpson tried on the glove but it didn’t fit. I’ll never forget that moment. The shock of it.
This was just as traumatic.
Imagine everything the ICC has been telling you about Hawkeye has been a lie. A big fat lie. I’ve started a online petition in protest. I’ve already got 17 signatures. The people are mad. Really mad. “
Cape Town resident Fanie Wessells says he has double checked that all his windows are locked and has bought himself a guard dog.
“People are gathering at the local McDonald’s and are about to march on Cricket South Africa’s offices demanding that AB de Villiers be called back by the umpires.
Sure, the stumps were disturbed, but Hawkeye shows that the ball was going to miss. Surely this is a case of Umpire’s Call?
The ICC have told us that Hawkeye is based on a missile guidance system. I sure as hell trust that more than any photoshopped TV picture from Star Sports. We are all being conned. “
BCCI spokesman Karan Pujarakrishnan had no such concerns about his safety.
“Hawkeye? What’s that? We don’t use Hawkeye in India. The BCCI rejected this nonsense long ago.
Are you telling me that a machine is better at making subjective calls than a human? Next you will be telling me that Siri can open the batting for India.”
We’ll let ex-BCCI President, Srinivasan — fondly called Srini Mama — have the last word.
“Let the people march in Australia and England and where ever else they live. This is a triumph for all of India. We do not need to march.
Instead, I encourage all proud Indians to rise up and purchase your cement and cement related building products from India Cements.
Mention the word ‘Hawkeye’ at time of purchase to receive a 15% discount. “
(In case it was not evident, this is a work of satire. Dennis tweets here.)