I signed up for Instagram to get the whereabouts of my friends but suddenly my feed morphed into influencers’ hotbed and worse, my friends became influencers. No, I don’t want to see you getting dressed up, doing skin care, taking trips, while I lie here in my ratty sweater and PJs.
I guess my algorithm hates me. It pulls the wackiest influencers to my feed doing batshit crazy things. Bro, I’m not interested in watching how your partner reacted when you pulled a prank saying you’re cheating on them! WTF.
Trust me, the more you doom-scroll reels, the worse it gets. Here’s all the drivel an Insta influencer carries out that does everything but influence.
1. “10 ways to wear your white shirt”
I fell for your clickbait thumbnail thinking how kind of you to alter my reputation of being a spendthrift. In the second style, you brutally chopped the sleeves of your white shirt which, if I did, would get me disowned by my mom. By the time it reached the third, I couldn’t wrap my head around how you snuck corsets, dungarees, high-waisted, low-waisted jeans into the game that would cost me an arm and a leg. Seriously? You really think if I owned these I would watch your video? You have conned me out of my existence and given my wardrobe an existential crisis. 10/10 wouldn’t recommend it.
Chor bazari kehte hain isey. Thrifting is the influencer-induced pandemic that the world needs to talk more about. Bro, there’s chaand baaliyan playing in the background while they sell…shoes. This isn’t the worst part. They make you feel it’s a ‘steal deal’ but all they do is get a 200 bucks top from Sarojini, wear it ‘only two times’, and sell it to you for 100. Pretty sure, this is what they implied when they said ‘steal’ deal. But by now, the way Instagrammers worship influencers, I won’t be gobsmacked if they pay extra to buy even the sweat-laden clothes from their closets.
3. “x things you can’t miss to have in your wardrobe”
Okay, so there is a reason things don’t make it from my Wishlist to my cart. I’m broke AF. When I Wishlist things on Myntra, mujhe notification aata hai, ‘kharidegi to nahi, waqt kyu zaya kar rahi dusron ka.’’ Also, your ‘closet essentials’ aren’t even yours, to begin with.
4. DIY makeup from kitchen ingredients
Influencers might pretend to be the madhouse of ideas but that shit can get you brain-fucked. Ever heard of “hey guys, so today I’ll do a full face make-up with food”? NO, do not tap on that damned video, you’ll want to whack yourself in the head. Speaking from experience. They microwave the beet and squeeze it onto their cheeks. Wow, molten red veggies make your face look red. Who would have thought, OMG, revolutionary, path-breaking shit. Maybe now, they will stop killing whales to make fairness creams. Also, dare you store it in your room unless you want an army of ants to assemble outside your vanity.
5. Rant videos with a zoomed-in face
This generation is perpetually annoyed but we still don’t want to listen to influencers ranting after every minor inconvenience. Some sharply edited videos do hit home but others are just a cesspool of idiots. You can’t rant about not having cafes open during a pandemic.
5. Lipsync and ruin our favourite songs
50% of the youth today will be jailed if lip-syncing is deemed an offense. And it’s high time, it should be. They criminally ruin the classics by making them ‘slowed and reverb’. No, I don’t want to see the zoom-in shots of your face while you flaunt your Jaipuri jhumka. There’s a reason we once had Dubsmash, that garbage belongs to your gallery, not Instagram.
7. WTF reel challenges
With every passing day on Instagram, I realise how real unemployment is. Really, the sock challenge? You follow the trend by donning every pair of socks you own on one leg. Instagram isn’t quite there yet, but the ungodly stench of your unwashed socks comes through the screen and disgusts me.
8. “We tried”
Don’t try. Don’t. You mostly just try out street food that you have no experience in. So you go out of your way to try abominations like fanta omelette. Nahi, tumhari ammi ne normal omelet nahi bana ke diya kabhi, aise kya kya kami reh gayi parvarish mein unki?
9. Thank their ‘fan accounts’
You have fans ‘cos you’re conventionally good-looking. That’s it. That is literally it. When you lip sync to Rattan lambiyan, guys think you’re Kiara Advani and they are Sidharth Malhotra. It’s not your fault like ladke ko ka dimaag unke ghutnon mein hota hai par isme credit lene wali bhi koi baat nahi hai, by god!
10. POV this, POV that
Do you know what POV means? You can’t just have your own face in the video if it’s from your point of view. Yes, that’s what POV means. Jesus Christ. You can’t see your own face when it’s your point of view. That is the whole point of POV.
11. ‘I know I am late to this trend but…’
Koi trend nahi hai, nobody even knew it existed until you just popped up with another lip sync.
12. Vacation reels
Why do your vacation reels only have scenes from your fancy hotel rooms?
13. Random sponsors
Look, we know doing sponsor videos is how you rake in the moolah but my god that shit is stupid. Nobody cares, okay? We are not going to buy something because you’re selling it. Okay, we do it the old fashioned way, we talk in front of our phones, let Amazon spy on us and give us recommendations.
Influenza and influencer, both are equally infectious to your health.