And I’m such a sucker for punishment, that even though I skipped Sooryavanshi, I still saw the video of the remix. Now, the audience is right and the remix has none of the magic of the original.

However, what I also noticed is that years have passed, but not only is the lead actor the same (because Bollywood heroes don’t change, only the heroines keep getting younger), he is still not doing anything in the video, other than just existing. 

Yup, from 1994 to 2021, Akshay Kumar’s characters may have changed. But their contribution to dance numbers remained more or less the same – zero. 

That’s when I went down the rabbit hole of Bollywood dance numbers and realized, that barring a few songs, male characters do next to nothing in most of these songs. 

Women, on the other hand, are performing complex steps, changing multiple costumes, and dancing in clothes that are often not fit for the weather the song is shot in. 

It’s almost like male characters in Bollywood approach songs the way most cishet men approach sex – selfishly. They only care about their own pleasure and would happily let their partner make all the effort. SMH!

Remember Chikni Chameli? All Vijay and Kancha Cheena (Hrithik Roshan and Sanjay Dutt) do, is exchange cryptic remarks. Meanwhile, Katrina Kaif has three costume changes, swings from a chandelier, and dances in the middle of a fire formation. 

Or Mera Naam Mary? Where Mary (Kareena Kapoor) literally had water thrown on her, but Monty (Sidharth Malhotra) could not even be bothered to pour a drink for her. 

Or the most famous of them all, Lovely, starring Deepika Padukone as star dancer Mohini and SRK as a lost crowd member. 

And if you think these songs are inaccurate examples because they were supposedly representing bars or clubs where female artists dance and perform for the audience, then let’s take a look at these numbers: 

Someday I’ll know why Aditya (Shahid Kapoor) couldn’t get up and dance with Geet (Kareena Kapoor) in Yeh Ishq Haaye from Jab We Met.

Nadiyon Paar from Roohi ignored its male leads much the same way it ignored logic when crafting the story. 

And in Na Jaa, from Sooryavanshi again, the bikes and fans (that were flipping Akshay’s gelled hair) had more to do than Akshay Kumar himself. 

There was also Burj Khalifa where Akshay Kumar had more costume changes than steps. I mean there weren’t many steps (or sense) in the song anyway, but Kiara Advani still made an attempt at belly dancing. 

Of course, by now it’s no secret, that if a movie stars John Abraham, then Nora Fatehi will have a dance number in it – which is great since Fatehi is a brilliant dancer. Sadly, the same can’t be said for Abraham, who I think last danced in Dostaana!

In Heeriye from Race 3, Jacqueline did pole dancing, which is nothing short of acrobatics. While Salman Khan moved a shoulder, twice, and did half-circles on the stage. He legit could not be bothered to even complete a full circle! 

While there are certain situations in which a woman’s solo performance makes sense (say Kamli from Dhoom 3), most of the examples cited above are not such songs. 

Of course, there have been original Bollywood dance songs (Bole Chudiyan, Maahi Ve, Balam Pichkaari, Zingaat, Kaala Chashma, Gulaabo) featuring both men and women swaying to the beats. 

But they seem to be dwindling in number, with more and more promotional songs and dance numbers featuring only women. At this rate, you could replace those men with a pole, and it would make no difference to the songs.

Or it might just make them better. After all most women have experience with replacing men with inanimate things and finding better results!