“Tu chicken nahi khaati? Aur anda? Achcha cake mein toh anda khaati hogi?”

“Does this mean, you’ve never been to KFC or Karim’s?”

“What do you order at a restaurant? Paalak paneer?”

Alright y’all, it’s time you give us a break! I write on behalf of every vegetarian who has ever had to face a bunch of idiotic questions just because we ended up ordering a vegetarian pizza.

Enough is enough! If I want capsicum and mushroom on my pizza, I WILL frickin’ get it. What you need to do is stuff yourself with your barbecue chicken slice, which by the way I never had an issue with. 

So why do you have to roll your eyes every time I order a veg supreme?

Maybe the lack of protein intake in my diet is a major cause of concern for you. But we both know that’s not true.

The other explanation could be your inability to come to terms with my vegetarian choices. Because of course, meat has been a staple ever since the inception of mankind. Well, by that logic, you should be walking around naked, because that’s what we did back in the day too! 

Okay, so now you’ll give me ‘scientifically proven facts’ like, human teeth are made for chewing meat and our stomach is designed to digest flesh effectively, then why miss out? 

Well, dear non-vegetarian friends, I only have one thing to say. If our systems are so advanced then why stop at chicken, mutton or beef (LOL), you should go ahead and experience everything from cats to humans. Right?

Sounds absurd? Well, just like you have your limits when it comes to food, we have ours too.

Speaking of limits, all of you who avoid non-vegetarian food on Tuesdays or Thursdays for religious reasons have no right to question someone who has turned vegetarian full time for the very same reasons. 

But this is not even the worst of what we’ve heard from our well-meaning non-vegetarian friends. Someone once told me: “Since you’re so concerned about not killing animals, you should not kill mosquitoes either.” 

Bro, are you even listening to yourself? The day you start eating mosquitoes, we shall take this conversation forward!

Which brings us to yet another something that non-vegetarians seem to find difficult to fathom.

“How is it that I drink alcohol but don’t eat meat?”

Well, I don’t even know how to begin to explain myself here. How are the two things even remotely related? How about you go back to devouring your bucket of chicken wings while I chomp on my paneer tikka and down my beer?

Now let’s move on to the age-old debate about how eating plants is equivalent to killing them. You know that conversation is never going to end well. Friendships have been broken over this and people still don’t give up! So, we insist that you do. Because science is on my side. 

Go and Google it and then maybe we’ll talk about it!

I’m pretty sure all the non-vegetarians who have been reading this article must be fuming by now. Well, that’s a win for me. Because that’s exactly how I feel every time you make a face at my vegetarian food.

I am sick and tired of listening to the same old questions, over again and again. But it seems like you’re not sick of all the judging and questioning. I refuse to put up with it anymore, even if that means a few broken friendships. I’ll get over the loss by munching on some haryali kebab.

I’m a vegetarian, not a bloody criminal. I don’t have to explain or defend my culinary choices. But mind you, if I see you roll your eyes the next time I order a vegetarian dish, I might just end up smacking you in the face. And then, I might just end up committing a crime (read, murder) and turn into a criminal, and that’ll be on you. 

Better be safe than sorry, fellas!