How does it feel to be dumped by a person?
Oh, nothing special. Just as if someone stabbed you all over your body and then left you bleeding on the floor. And the rats who came to party on some of your blood are pointing and laughing at you.
But that's okay, I am fine. Tots cool.
The now ex did say we could stay friends.
So, what now? Oh right, miss the crap out of them. But do it right.
Here's how to really miss someone and make your life so much more miserable.
1. Let everything remind you of them. Like, EVERYTHING.
Such as, "Oh this is where he picked me up from the first time we went out for a date," or looking at a stranger on the street and pointing out how they had a shirt of the same exact colour.
Then it's just plain embarrassing.
Like when you are cutting your hair and it clogs the drain and you remember how the washroom at the hotel where you went with them, that time, that year, also had a clogged drain.
Or looking at a man peeing on the street, and thinking about how he used to stand at that angle too.
2. Memorizing your chat history like the back of your hand. Read it again. Then, some more. And yet, again.
Past is such a nice place to live in.
Such pain, much wow.
3. Stare at their WhatsApp window, and keep a count of how many times they come online.
Yeah yeah. They are totally talking to their new soul mate, moving on, not thinking about you.
4. Think of them with that someone new, probably canoodling together. While you sit licking your wounds and missing them.
After this, lose your shit, of course.
5. Isolate yourself from the world. Because who needs to hang out with friends and get over a breakup.
You can spend the same time doing so many other things. Like you know, think about the ex.
6. Don't go out. Don't even make plans.
Revolve your schedule around your misery.
7. But when your best friend calls, eat their head off with all the ex talk.
Till they pack up and move to Mars.
8. Just stare at their pictures. All. Day. Long.
Memorize their frigging face like your dream job depends on it! There are competitive exams that you can ace at with that knowledge you know.
9. Imagine countless scenarios where you will run into them and you will be so fabulous then that they will leave whoever they are with at that point and come back to you.
10. Listen to Channa Mereya on loop. And cry.
Imagine yourself being at their wedding and walking away.
11. Get fired by your therapist.
Whose marriage is now in trouble 'cause she spends all her time listening to stories about how cute your ex looked when he ate cholley bhature.
12. Stop bathing, because you don't want to get their smell off your body.
Why Davidoff Cool Water! WHY!
13. Manage to go out on a date to forget the ex. Start every sentence with "My ex used to..."
14. Stare into space with all your might.
As if if you concentrate hard enough, they will materialize there.
15. Look longingly at everything, give puppies a complex.
16. Lie on the bed and hope that the ceiling falls on you.
17. And of course, go to work. And write articles only about your misery.
18. Finally realize that maybe you will miss them for quite some time. And you just have to go with the process.
Walk it off baby! Walk it off!
19. Get yourself a closure. Sing Beyonce's Irreplaceable. At a Karaoke.
At least someone should get some laughs from your pain eh?
Or you know, suggest this:
20. Open yourself up to new people.
And pray to the almighty that you don't have to start the whole damn thing all over again.
And breathe. BREATHE.
I hate to say this because it sounds like a pile of garbage each time I hear it but it's true: eventually the pain will cease to exist. You might not believe it right now, but you will get over this.
You will always love them in some way or the other. Something will always remind you of them no matter how many years have passed, and that's fine. Really.
So do your thing, cry your eyes out, grieve. And then get up and start getting better.