Spoiler Alert: This isn’t real. We don’t have the resources to actually investigate that kind of stuff. Take it with a pinch of salt. 

Do you know what goes into making a good fish curry?

Cookpad

You have to catch a fish first. That takes major skills, depending on your hunting ground- ponds, lakes, rivers, seas etc etc. The longer that list gets, the more chances are that you will be eaten by a fish, and not the other way around. So if you have managed to catch some fish, you f**king deserve to devour it. But hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Twitter

I am gonna paint you a picture so bright, it will blind vegetarians for a mile.

Make a gif

See, once you have caught a fish, you try to kill it. BuT doEsN’t It DiE OutTa WaTeR? No, dipshit, no. That’s not how that works, you smack it around, and then if it has scales, you have to remove those. chop that head off, with those never blinking eyes staring into your soul, remove the guts, and then clean it. Oh and you can’t bust the stomach while you clean it or the juices get everywhere and the whole fish gets ruined.  

BTW, if it’s a catfish, you are likely to get stung by those poisonous fins even after that slippery bastard’s f**ked off the mortal plane. 

Dovemed

And all that happens before you even make it to the kitchen, where you marinate it, chop some onions, and tomatoes and put some stuff in the mixer. While that happens, you pour some oil into a pan, heat it up and gently place the fish on said pan and stand there and watch it cook while the pan spits oil onto you. 

Storm asia

And we are still only halfway there! Now…

Do you know what it takes to make paneer? Let the milk go bad and then f***ing roll with it!

BP Guide India

Where’s the skill, really? The effort? But they are priced the same at restaurants. What a f**king scam!

Apologies, it would appear that I have been swept by my emotions a bit. So let’s get back on track. 

Look, the reason I made a few elaborate paragraphs vividly describing the process of cooking fish is to establish the point that it takes skills to be a meat-eater. Plucking leaves and digging holes in the ground for food seems far easier in comparison. 

Tenor

Allow me to take you on a journey to the first humans, neanderthals and homo sapiens alike. Back in the day, we were all hunters and gatherers. 

Gatherers gathered food like mushrooms, dhaniya etc among other things that were used to season the food that hunters risked their lives to get. 

Being a gatherer can’t have been a very lucrative job. I mean, think about it. On one hand, you have big dudes and dudettes at the peak of physical fitness trying to bring down bison and such, often competing not only with other humans but also with apex predators. 

Twitter

Not those guys in the image above. Those guys are just A**holes.

Anyhow, for real guys! We weren’t at the top of the food chain back in the day. We were hunting for the same resources that lions and tigers did. Imagine trying to sneak up on a deer in the vast wilderness of the Savannah, only to realise that lionesses are sneaking up on you. 

Twitter

You had to fight everyone and their mothers just to get a good steak. And it was the hunters’ primary responsibility to ensure everybody got their food. I mean, without agriculture, which came into existence much later, there was no way you feed entire villages with potatoes. They didn’t have any salt during that time. You know how bad potatoes taste without salt? And so many carbs OMG!

Pinterest

So being a hunter was the job. You were the most respected, people were lining up to have sex with you because everyone wanted to carry your genes. Because let’s be honest here guys, it wasn’t like today where nerds and beta male dudes are considered cool. 

Those guys didn’t have The Big Bang Theory to convince them that creepy nerdy dudes could rock your world. 

Flare

So the only reason you were a gatherer was because you were bad at hunting. That’s really about it. Gathering doesn’t seem like a dream job. No early man kid grew up thinking I am gonna grow up and pluck mushrooms out of the bark of trees. 

Giphy

This is not to say that all gatherers were vegetarians. Hunters hunted for the whole community. So the only reason you were a vegetarian was because you had beef with hunters. I mean, come on, if the guys that killed wild buffaloes and fought lions didn’t want you to share their food, you probably were gonna stay hungry. So, you made do with whatever blade of grass you could find that nobody had taken a piss on yet!

And well, basically you got bullied into being the first vegetarians. 

Tenor

We are so sorry about that, BTW. I know you guys like bringing shit about invaders and stuff from hundreds of years ago when you run out of ideas or jobs, but the stuff I am talking about is from thousands of years and is rooted in science, so you probably don’t believe it anyway. Look, my point is, it worked out.  

You have made vegetarianism work. It’s easy now. All you have to do, at least in this country is being born to vegetarian parents, most likely upper caste families still strictly following the rigid old doctrine of Brahminism. 

Twitter

And while that happened because your ancestors were afraid of being bullied by Buddhism going viral (oooo PTSD flashbacks), you have made it work. The problem is more often than not you make it seem like we try to trick you into eating meat like we want to make you impure and stuff. You know how expensive meat is? You know why? Refer to the process of cooking a good fish curry!

Tenor

We really don’t care, man. We don’t care that our hunters risked their lives to feed your family because you were bad at early man stuff. We are over it. We just don’t like when you pretend that you don’t eat meat because you love animals. You are just scared of the chicken, bro!