Don’t do drugs, kids. What’s the point, when we have our very own human embodiments of them in this great nation? The faces and voices that dominate our media are so ubiquitous and overpowering, they might as well be smoked, snorted, or boofed. So without further ado, here are some famous Indians as drugs.  

1. Arnab Goswami – Cocaine

The eyes, Chico, they never lie. Snort enough cocaine and you can get a hole in your nose. Snort enough Arnab and you can get a hole in your brain.

2. Rahul Gandhi – Marijuana

It all became clear the moment he uttered the immortal words, “Mazza aaya.”

3. Arvind Kejriwal – Lean (Codeine and Sprite)

This one’s pretty obvious.

4. Kangana Ranaut – Iodex Sandwich

Her inane social media ramblings can only be the result of extreme saste nashe such as this Indian classic. Dollop some Kangana on your bread and you too can piss off literally everyone on the internet.

5. Baba Ramdev – LSD 

Long hair? Check. Stupid grin? check. Talking absolute bullshit while thinking it’s brilliant? triple check.

6. Sambit Patra – Meth 

One hit of the Sambit and you’ll be a pro at whataboutery and telling people to drink chai.

7. Karan Johar – Ecstasy 

He loves bright lights and forces out intolerable amounts of love through his movies. Molly hai ye.

8. Yogi Adityanath – Diluter 

Because he’s always ‘diluting’ real issues.

9. Pragya Thakur – Magic Mushrooms 

Pop a few Pragyas and you’ll be dancing with the vigour of someone who claimed to be too ill to go to court.

10. Navika Kumar – Scopolamine/Devil’s Breath 

This drug makes you do whatever your masters tell you to do. You figure the rest.

BRB, off to do some dregz.