Coming out as queer may be a terrifying experience for an adolescent who’s coming to terms with it. But it’s often as difficult for the parent who wants to be supportive, yet doesn’t understand how to handle the situation well. And several parents are still confused about what to do and how.
For all those parents with kids coming out as LGBTQ, 40-year-old gay musician and vocal activist Jack Remmington has some advice.
Remmington was at a slot machine in Vegas, when he was approached by a middle-aged father of a child who might be gay.
Ok I just experienced the nicest exchange with a stranger and think it’ll help to share: I was playing on the Mariah Carey slots in Vegas (naturally) and a friendly circa-mid-40s ish guy sat down to play on the machine next to me
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
I was sitting with @marcoalessifilm, both wearing pink (naturally) and after chatting a little to the guy about Vegas, he nervously asked if he could ask us a question. I knew where this was gonna go as it always does so did a bit of an inner eye roll but indulged him anyway
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
Eager to know how to deal with being a parent of an LGBTQ child, the dad nervously asked Remmington. This is how the encounter went and resulted in some great advice for parents, siblings, and friends of LGBTQ people.
He then asked if we were together so we said no (we’re best friends and he has a fab bf) and he asked if we were gay, so we said yes. He then said he thinks his 13 year old son might be gay and wondered if he could ask us how best for him to navigate that
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
He lit up when talking about his son, and I nearly started crying at how much he clearly loved him. The guy wanted to know how to make his son feel most comfortable about himself whilst not being too overt and glaringly obvious in forcing a conversation about his sexuality
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
This man is SO sweet. From rural Arkansas and said whilst things are so much better now, he still just wants the world to be totally equal for his son. Marco and I said he sounds like he’s doing all the right things and that making his son know he’s loved is the best he can do
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
We both gave a couple of anecdotes from personal experience, largely relating to condoning abstract things when you see them like normalising conversations around gay kisses on TV or calling our family conversations that might shame potential queerness
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
We also mentioned not accidentally policing things so as to shame him – for instance, often out of a sense of protection and love parents can frown on a child’s behaviour or outfit because they’re worried for their safety when on a night out etc.
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
But we stressed that if this was their feeling it’s important to vocalise this exactly, rather than leaving the child ruminating over the parent’s intentions and second guessing why they said what they said
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
So in terms of advice to friends or relatives of a potentially queer person, what would fellow queers advise is the best way to make it known they have their love and support without causing an uncomfortable conversation that might force someone to come out before they’re ready?
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
For instance – when I was about 12, my v obviously straight brother and I were watching a soap with my dad and there was a gay kiss on screen. I vividly remember my dad saying if either of us ever thought we were gay that we would still be just as loved by our mum and dad
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
Knowing that nothing would change stuck with me hugely and I remember that convo as if it was yesterday – it was *clearly* said for my benefit but was comfortable enough that it wasn’t a direct exchange and I appreciate my dad so much for this
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
I literally still have shivers thinking about that wonderful man. The difference he’ll make to not just his son’s life but to so many others by having and open mind and a loving heart is unbelievable. There’s hope!! ❤️
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
He also said that the younger brother (10 y/o) had expressed his disapproval of drag queens he’d seen on TV because it was ‘weird’, so the dad explained in earshot of the elder son that if that’s how they want to dress and they feel comfortable then that’s great
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
The dad is commendably already doing his best to create a comfortable environment for his sons.
He’s clearly doing all the right things and is making his son feel as comfortable as he can. Take notes people this is how it’s done!! Particularly given that the boy is growing up far out of a metropolitan city this kind of unconditional love and support is invaluable
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
Like every great parent who is ready to go out of the way for their child, this dad too went the extra mile.
Still just mulling over this – the dad clearly has no gay people in his life to ask so did his best to ask people with that experience to help make his son’s life and journey though potential queerness as seamless as possible. What a wonderful wonderful man
— jack remmington (@jackremmington) January 2, 2019
An awesome parent like this would make coming out such a normal experience.
