What makes for a dream job? Less (read: no) work, more pay, power, a good position in the societal power structure, and Sharma Ji finally getting off your fucking back. Some might say that travelling the world (because having Wanderlust is the new in thing now), or managing some company that is doing really well, or being the CEO of Paytm in a post-demonetisation world.
Do you want to know what really is the best job in the entire universe? Being a Member of Parliament in India.
I know the kind of thoughts you’re having right now:
“But they run the country, Supriyo. You commie Bengalis won’t know.”
“But they win elections. We elect them”.
And you’re absolutely right. When they cross a certain age and stop running altogether, they decide to completely ignore cardio altogether to become the cholesterol that plagues the arteries of our already rotten political system.
An average Member of the Parliament sits in the Lok Sabha, or the Rajya Sabha, only 67 days a year. Yes, 67 days only.
If you fail to understand how less a period of time that is, please note that it’s one-fifth of the time you spend at work. Think about it this way, the average number of days an average Indian kid goes to school is 225. The average number of working days for you, doing a regular job in India, is 250 days. But what’s the number of working days for a member of the Parliament? 67 days.
Why, you might ask. Well the answer is short and precise – Fuck you, that’s why. The average attendance of all our MPs (in the 16th Lok Sabha) is 82 per cent.
So technically speaking, our beloved MPs don’t even sit inside the circular walls for 60 days.
When you get paid in full for just 60 days of work, you know you’ve made all the right decisions in life. Isn’t that what we all want in life?
Now that we have put the number of working days (or the lack of it) behind us, let’s discuss the kind of things you have to do inside the temple of our democracy.
When you’re not busy having a discussion (read: shouting matches) over important bills, you can definitely have snarky discussions on important topics while half the house decides to walk out. Remember LGBTQ rights? Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that. Because the bhartiya sabhyata ke rakshaks need to take some time after a heavy lunch in the canteen to walk around and digest all the food because who cares about the basic right to love whoever you want.
And to top this, all MPs get a lifetime get-out-of-jail-with-no-consequences pass.
In an ideal world, you’d think that hard work is your way to success. That’s not the case with being a Member of Parliament. All you need to do is commit crimes, indulge in full-blown hate speeches, pretend to like a certain caste more than others, take a lot of bribes and then lobby for a mandir/masjid. That’s how you become a MP. Sounds like a cakewalk. That’s like Salman Bhai’s life minus the driving.
See guys. You can be whatever you want but if you want to be at the pinnacle of power, be a member of the Parliament. It’s all about the power, less working hours, and speaking whatever you feel like without thinking twice. Yahi toh sapna hai yaar!
Figures sourced from News Laundry.