Fuck, fuck, fuck. Am I going in for a board exam with the only backup being my intuition? 

I am going to fail. Oh God, what if I fail? 

Why did I not study? 

I could have. 

What will I tell mama and papa?

Oh wait, where is that music coming from? I am hearing noises now? 

It’s growing louder.

Uhhh. Time to wake up. 

It was my alarm.

I am a 25-year-old adult and I swear on every God there is, I still have these super-realistic disturbing nightmares.

And I am sure I am not the only one. Please tell me I am not the only one.

That makes me wonder, how bad the trauma must be.

We didn’t even realise back then, that we were so scared. At that time, it was routine. 

It’s only now that we realise that the fear of boards is so deeply inculcated, that we can’t get rid of it even after doing so much in life – and well, having other traumatic experiences in some cases.

That’s insane. And the fact that I am not even using any of the knowledge I got from my education, just makes it worse.

Now, I am not trying to say that not using Organic chemistry formulas in real life, makes studying them useless. 

But, if they are still affecting my mental health after so many years, I am going to question – what was the point even?

There wasn’t much – and the blame goes to my family and our broken education system.

I took science in class 11th and 12th because I got good marks in 10th. That resulted in inflation of family’s ego, and I found myself studying things that neither interested me, nor turned out to be a career option to pursue.

My favourite subject throughout school life, was literature – English and Hindi. So ideally I should have focussed on that. 

But apart from occasional ‘well written’, I never got any encouragement from teachers to do what inspired and made me happy.

Result? I was solving integration problems when I should have been reading something and writing more.

So get this, I was made to do something I wasn’t good at, and was told that I HAVE to excell at it otherwise my future is doomed.

That seems a bit excessive, doesn’t it? Considering I was all of 17 at the time. I don’t think I am still equipped to deal with that kind of pressure.

That being said, I am sure this is not the first time you are hearing this perspective.

The point I am trying to make here is, that if you are a parent or a teacher reading this article, just know this is what your actions do. Your indifference and stubbornness makes for traumatised adults.

And if you are a student, know that you don’t have to give in. Fight them, fight everyone. I finally did, after school, and that is easily the best thing I have done for myself.