I mean, I’d like to believe in humanity but after this thread, I’d need to attain nirvana to get over it. From public masturbation to DIY fleshlights, this thread legit has it all. 

Warning: NSFW Content Ahead

1. “I crawled down into a gully and started making a snowman in the shape of a woman on the ground. I gave her boobs, some curves, and a hole. My heart was pounding and I was about to do some. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do and started thinking “yep, I’m crazy”. I tried to just walk away but I was past the point of no return. I unzipped and got busy. I was done almost as fast as I started. I got up and brushed her away as if she meant nothing to me and climbed out of the gully, walk back to the house, went into my room, and listened to Counting Crows or some shit like I didn’t just have sex with a snowman.” – Ecstatictobehere

2. “In college, I made myself a fleshlight out of a rolled-up towel, a rubber band, a latex glove, and some vegetable oil. Worked pretty well. Thinking myself a genius, I told my buddies so they could frugally fornicate with themselves as well. Bad idea. Caught a lot of shit for a long time after that.” – NumbedNerves

3. “Convinced my mom to hide a hustler magazine inside a box of Apple Jacks and mail it to me because we weren’t allowed to have phones/internet in drug rehab. They found it right away. Box was way too heavy for cereal.” – yaigotbeef

4. “I couldn’t get this porn video out of my head all day that I had been using a lot. Was at the gym that evening and couldn’t stop thinking of said video. Went to the gym back room and jerked one out in like 50 seconds.” – 13579x 

5. “Fell in love with a girl. Girl has to move back home to Costa Rica after 3 days of knowing her. Reasonable person: Oh well that’s too bad I liked her. Me: Guess I’m going to Costa Rica.” – sidewinder27 

6. “Drove 165 miles, one way, for a one-nighter.” – bikerdudelovescats  

7. “I pretended a plum was a pussy and proceeded to eat it out.” – Lenny_YouTubeFan 

8. “I was in a Vegas hotel room, pretty drunk and about to go to sleep- then I heard some high-pitched moaning from another room. Sweet! Started jerking, a few minutes later I realized it was not a girl moaning. It was a dog whining. Fml, no I didn’t finish, I was traumatized.” – outerspaceNH 

9. “Fucked the couch to the sex scene in 300, I’m not proud of myself, and I’m pretty ashamed.” – Thatoneguywithasteak 

10. “Let’s see, I watched porn once and kissed the screen, that was pretty gross.” – 152069 

11. “So like any rational person, I decided to strain the noodles out in the sink, and then using my hands, scooped the noodles out of the strainer and carried them into the bathroom as they dripped water all over the floor. Then got in the shower, udon noodles in my hands, and proceeded to fuck the mass until I came. Let me tell you, the embarrassment of realizing you just fucked a pound of cooked noodles doesn’t compare to the humiliation of having to sit in a shower pulling bits of crushed noodles out of the drain so your parents don’t find out.” – Breeki  

12. “Before my high school girlfriend and I started having sex, she would let me sniff her pussy through her panties. I would then go home and jerk off. I still jerk off to that memory.” – hervesuja2 

13. “I’m probably gonna regret saying this. But flew to Canada for a threesome once.” – hollowed_sense

14. “Once, when I was 15, I had an oversized bomber jacket. I had recently lost my virginity so my hormones were all out of wack at this point & in the middle of winter while walking down the street I had a brilliant idea. I pulled my arms into the jacket, tucked the sleeves into my pockets & as I was walking I decided to fap as I traveled home, the clean up was not the best & the shame was immense.” – bin1097 

Okay, it’s officially the time to leave planet earth.