Do you know how it feels like to not have someone on your mind? To be free of all pain and heartache and live life peacefully in your own zone?
If you do, let me tell you that you’re one of the lucky ones. Because for a long time, I didn’t know what being free felt like. Free from the feelings that were holding me back and being a major obstacle in my ‘moving on from heartbreak’ process.
My last relationship ended on really good terms but it was hard to let go. We were just two right people who met at the wrong time. That shit sucks. And needless to say, I had a hard time getting over him.
I would miss him everywhere I went. The places I discovered with him joyfully would bring me misery because I was obviously not over him.
It’s not like I enjoyed being in pain. I would have gladly given away anything to feel happy again but it just wasn’t happening.
I tried seeing other people, developing new hobbies and even travelling on my own to places I had never been before.
But I missed him. Every day. Of course, it wasn’t a perpetual state of mind but it would come to me in phases. A word. A place. A movie. A song.
That one song.
My heart literally hurt every time I heard that song play. No matter how many times it happened, I would hurt.
Until one day, I didn’t.
I don’t know how this happened. I don’t know how this works. But one day that song played and I didn’t feel any pain. To be honest, I didn’t even think of him.
I remember it well. Because it was the first time in years that I had nothing on my mind while that song played, except how beautiful it sounds.
This feeling was unfamiliar but it definitely felt nice. There was something that was very light about it.
My heart didn’t feel heavy nor did my mind wander off to a dark place. And while I drove in peace to the song playing on my car stereo, I smiled to myself. Because I realised I was done. I was done with the pain. I was done with having a broken heart.
If you ask me how it happened or what did I do to reach that point in life, I wouldn't know what to tell you. Because I did nothing. As much as I wanted to stop feeling this heartache, I am still clueless about how it happened.
Maybe what they say is true - Time heals all. But if it was just about time doing all the work, I should have been done with this pain a long time ago.
But the image of us dancing under the stars, surrounded by the hills in Lonavla every time this song played was hauntingly fresh. It was fresh for years.
In fact, it haunted me so much that I stopped visiting places that would play this song or change the radio channel immediately when they would play it.
But ever since I've gotten rid of this melancholy, life has suddenly become much better for me and those around me. I used to think that even if this song played after 20 years, I would miss him.
However, our brain is flexible and I guess my heart just followed it.
To the people who claim that once we decide to move on from something or someone, it shouldn't be an issue, here's what I have to tell you.
Moving on is not a decision that you make. It's a process. A long process with no guaranteed results. It could go either way and I'm glad it went the right way for me.
And there are no rules, no protocol. It just happens. I know this might sound unbelievable but one day you feel things and the next day, you don't.
Even when I hear his name, see his photos on my Instagram feed or go to places I only went with him, I feel nothing. No pain, no heartache.
And if that is considered an achievement, then I've achieved the greatest bliss of all.
Being free of an emotional prison that takes up a small corner in the back of your mind. Like your own personal dementor.
Goodbye, my lover.
All images are from Unsplash.