A few days ago, Indian men were trending #MarriageStrike on Twitter. For the uninitiated, this was in response to the calls of criminalising marital rape. Marital rape, if criminalised will destroy the fabric of our society, our civilisation. It’s the cornerstone of the very institution. So, in order to not have it criminalised, a few of our braver brothers banded together and refused to marry altogether. The movement, though brief-lived, was a massive success. Women, confusingly, also seemed to be on board with it at every step. So, we imagined a few more strikes and we could bring some real changes. 

1. #EveTeasingStrike

Until women walk back from the dark path of feminism and run towards the light through a row of sunflowers right into men’s warm embrace, men will stop complimenting every woman they see. Men will just leave the women, no matter how they are dressed, alone. No whistling to let women know how deeply men feel for them. 

2. #RightSwipeStrike

While most men might agree not to marry if marital rape is criminalised, there are some weaklings amongst us. As the good book says, the meek shall inherit the earth and they have. These simps will always right swipe on anything they see. Even after repeated rejections, they persist. And while it is an admirable quality, we will not be right-swiping any woman we find on dating websites. 

3. #BobsVageneStrike

No longer will men ask women for pictures of their private parts. Private they, say, while shamelessly abandoning the attire of their mothers and their mothers before them. Lajja is a term no longer worthy of their vocabulary. Until they correct that, men will deprive women of asking them for sexual pleasure or even intimate pictures. 

4. #ApproachRandomWomenAtBarStrike

Men will no longer offer to or insist on buying women drinks at bars. As a matter of fact, according to the laws penned down by Sir Incel De Martel himself in the 13th century AD, men will refrain from approaching women drinking at bars. These women, alone or otherwise have only one thing in their dirty little minds and henceforth men will deny them that. 

5. #BeingRealMenStrike

Under this banner, men will not be sending their female friends links from The Joe Rogan podcast, Jordan Peterson’s videos or BeerBiceps Mantras. If women want men to be sensitive, we will deprive them of the opportunity of hearing real men talk. 

6. #FootballStrike

We won’t be making an effort to explain the offside rule to you. We will not interrupt you or tell you that you only like a footballer because they are good looking. We will not speak football with you at all. Make of it what you will.

7. #MumsInKitchenStrike

Our mothers love taking care of guests. It’s in our culture. Every mother endures the heat of the kitchen for hours so that she can feed everyone in the house, the more the merrier. But given that she is also a woman and as such must suffer the consequences of the crimes of her sisters. So, we will no longer be allowing our mothers to cook for guests. Let our mothers forget the art of mehman-nawazi. 

8. #OralSexStrike

We will not let our partners go down on us. For real. It’s extremely disappointing for us as well but women need to be punished. How dare they think men should also go down on them? My god, is there no limit to the debauchery of the modern woman? The curse a woman’s soul must endure just to just their husbands to go down on them. So as long as they keep asking us to go down on them, we will ban oral sex altogether. 

9. #FallingInLoveAfterOneConversationStrike

For as long as one can remember, women have always conned men into falling in love with them by the virtue of just being nice. As if that is not a code for ‘I want to have your babies’. If you didn’t want to have our babies you wouldn’t have asked us how our day was going, would you, ya seductress? 

10.  #YesAllMenStrike

‘Not all men’ only applies to when some of us do horrible things. But these marital rape accusations, and the media trials for alleged sexual assaults, it affects all men. Men all over the world are now living in fear of persecution. Surely, women must understand, having seen a glimpse of said oppression over the centuries. So, until the third wave of feminism crashes and dies on the beach someone, we want people to know that all men will be participating in keeping their opinions away from a woman’s ears. 

What women and the simping men in their corners have failed to realise is that in order for feminism to prosper, they will have to tear down the old world order, and bring matriarchy. In fact, it is already happening. So, raise the banners, men, for we must go to war for our rights.