Every now and then, my father tells us the story about him learning how to swim.
‘I jumped into the water despite knowing it has tiny crocodiles.’
I realised very early on that he adds the last part for effect, but overall the narration ends up being quite interesting, because of the risks involved and the fact that he came out of it alive.
Being completely alone during the biggest crisis of our generation will be my ‘learning how to swim’ story.
Millions of people like me are facing this tough challenge. Of being alone during times when ‘tomorrow’ has become a concept, more vague than it was before.
When work life and personal life have become extensions of each other, making one lose the sense of reality.
When each day seems like a level you have to overcome to go to the next stage which is going to be even more difficult.
Truly, there are days when I do nothing and suddenly it’s 7 PM.
And then sometimes I am working for hours but time just keeps dragging on.
Similarly, on some days I clean my entire house without feeling exhausted.
While on others, washing a couple of dishes wears me out.
The uncertainty is inevitable.
I am constantly tired but can’t figure why. Which adds to the frustration, because I can’t solve my problems despite knowing that they exist.
It’s like noticing a leakage that is making the entire wall weak from within. But being unable to fix it because you don’t know the source.
What’s probably the most heartbreaking though, is the inability to be with people, especially my loved ones.
To look into their eyes, to hold their hands, to give them a hug.
I swear on God, if I had any idea about how bad it’s going to be, I would have been more mindful about my interactions.
I would have held my friends longer.
I would have accompanied papa during his evening walks.
I would have helped mom with her work.
Because it’s a luxury being physically next to someone you love. I have learnt that the hard way.
At this point, if I say I don’t like complaining, it might feel ironic.
I will still go ahead and say that though.
I don’t like it. There is a lot to be grateful about and just the fact that I have a roof above my head, is humbling.
However, what I mentioned above are legitimate issues. I personally haven’t felt any emotion for days. It’s almost like my mind, in an attempt to keep me sane, has blocked both, negative and positive feelings.
All in all, these are tough times when love and support can go a long way. And to find yourself alone, away from home, doesn’t help a bit.
The charm of cooking new dishes ends, the video calls start inducing anxiety, the schedule you made for yourself falls apart and handling household chores with office work becomes difficult.
