"Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong!"
It's a line I've heard way, way too often.
"Baat karne se mann halka hota hai!"
Every time I'm low, upset or angry, I'm urged to talk about it. Open up before someone. Friend, family or someone familiar.
Unfortunately, I just don't like to talk. It's not that I don't trust people. It's just about me.
I'm not that kind of a person.
Ever since I was a child, I've always admired people for the ease with which they're able to share things.
Growing up, my brother would go up to Mom or Dad for any and every problem. They'd solve it in no time and all was well in his world.
For me, on the other hand, it'd be a struggle. Like, a REAL struggle.
Whenever I did open up, I'd feel so out of character.
I couldn't relate to this person, the one sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions.
I wouldn't feel like myself anymore.
I know it's good to talk and share what you're feeling.
Life can sometimes be quite alienating and to not let that loneliness get to you, it's imperative to express what you're really going through.
But what if some people are just unable to do that? Or rather, they don't want to?
What if some of us aren't designed to share? What if we're comfortable keeping our thoughts just to ourselves, locked in our minds, hidden from the world?
My parents have always been worried about me.
They've always advised me against bottling up my emotions. They fear it'll mess up with my head.
Honestly, sometimes it does. Sometimes, it gets way too much for me to handle.
I want to scream and shout. I want to tell someone just how f*cked up I'm feeling.
But somehow, I can't. I just can't.
It doesn't work for me like that!
Whenever there's something that's bothering me, I want to be left alone.
I want to think about it, deal with it, analyse things and come up with a solution, all by myself. And in case there's nothing I can do about it, I want to cry over it, all on my own.
I just can't call up a friend and talk. I can't go up to family members and share.
I can't open up like most people do.
Over time, I've realized that internalizing my feelings helps me deal with them better.
I don't feel comfortable talking about my inner demons. I just don't!
You may call me shy. You may find me reserved. You may feel that I'm only harming myself.
Or, you may put it how psychologists often do - internalizing disorder.
Whatever be the tag, this is me. This is how I am!