I am a 24-year-old virgin from the land of Kamasutra and for me being a virgin might not be a big facade, but there are times when I face a serious case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). 

But am I really missing out? Am I supposed to buy all the B.S. that the society is selling? 

While we slowly stroll towards ultimately doing the deed, there are things that we quietly go through and today, I’d like to talk about those few things every Indian guy or girl, goes through from my own personal instances. 

When my friends discuss their sexual encounters with me, it tends to get awkward sometimes.

The other day I was hanging out with my friends and someone mentioned a crazy one-night stand he had with a goddess-like-person he had met on Tinder while another friend talked about how her partner made her experience a nipple orgasm (What is that even?). I sat there listening to the detailed accounts of each of their sexual shenanigans, laughing but not uttering a word. I had nothing to add. This is one of the few times when I turn out to be an extraordinary listener. I consider putting it on my CV as a skill.

All these conversations might sound very sad but they have actually prepped me up for the real deal. I didn’t really mind it at all. These have certainly expanded my horizon and made me realise what I really want from my partner, when I have one. It’s all about perspective, I suppose.

I often get into situations where my ‘forever alone’ frustration resembles an early mid-life crisis.

On a hot Tuesday evening, I found myself in a chemist shop buying some Zantac. I noticed someone buying condoms. I stood there thinking about the condom lying in my wallet that I bought last year when I was “ittu sa” away from getting laid. “Is something wrong with me? Am I not attractive enough?” Random thoughts crossed my head. 

I have an account on Tinder, Woo, Happn — you name it and you’ll find me there. (You probably won’t because even if you do, you’d just swipe left). I sometimes wonder why I am still a virgin even though it has never been this easy to find a partner in the history of time. I am frustrated AF, to be honest.

PDAs bother me. ‘In A Relationship’ statuses bother me. A heart shaped potato bothers me. I’m basically the grumpy uncle Scrooge from The Christman Carol in phases.

I don’t know how to feel about porn anymore. 

Have you watched the 2013 American romantic comedy-drama film Don Jon? I was basically Don!

For the longest time, the idea of sex and how girls or guys are supposed to look like, perform and how long the sex lasts were pretty skewed up in my head. I have had a rough time understanding whether the way sex is portrayed in porn movies is real or the way my friends have described it, is.

This confusion has travelled a long way with me and it’s nowhere nearing its ultimate end.

But I would like to admit that, most of the times, porn is all that I have. It is like a virtual take on a booty call. 

Shaadi? Terrifying!

I am not there yet but some of my other virgin friends are. Sometimes, I feel that the one of the biggest purpose Indian parents serve in the society is getting their kids married by the age of 25 or 26. The second biggest purpose is to fulfil their desire of seeing their grandkids grow up in their backyard. Can’t argue with that, dare we?

There is just one kind of a reaction possible when my parents will eventually pose this question in front of me.

What I’ll say while I obviously freak out: WHAAAAAT? Marriage? Kids? Are you kidding me? What about my career? You think I am capable enough to take care of another person? I don’t even know how to…

In my head, though: *still freaking out* I can’t do this. Abhi toh maine kuch kiya bhi nahi hai.

Am I afraid of being judged sometimes? Maybe.

At parties, not only am I the soberest person while playing “Never Have I Ever” but I just don’t seem to understand this whole flirting game even though I have been in it for a while now.

Why it seems like a bigger problem than it already is because I’m slightly cringey with the idea of spilling the beans to this random stranger who is a possible hookup. Indians are judgmental AF. I am, you are — it’s a well-known fact. 

When it comes to still being a virgin, people, after a long moment of unintentional silence, act like someone just told them that you don’t breathe sometimes but are still alive—it’s so unfathomable to them. You’d never know how much this sucks. (Or maybe you do and now you know what I’m talking about.)

I am going to be honest with you; I have cracked my fair share of sex jokes and it has sounded ridiculous every. single. time. ♫I am a loser baby so why don’t you kill me?♫

My advice to all you virgins out there: Don’t be me! There is a huge difference between theory and practicality.

The thing is I wish I could equally participate in the that’s-what-she-said conversations without feeling lecherous and treacherous. It isn’t that people will come to know that I’m still a virgin with the way I crack a sex joke but there is a possibility that you might give out some signals of visible discomfort. 

So I repeat: Don’t be me!

Having said that, I am happy the way I am. 

The reason of not having done it yet isn’t one dimensional. I probably want it to be this way.

As I said earlier, there is too much pressure from society and even our own peers in many cases. 

The thing is I have a life. I am outgoing and have friends who I meet regularly. Some might even confuse me for a player but I’m probably just a little too picky. I have faced a little trouble adjusting yourself to my surroundings and “what was expected of me”. But I am probably looking for something meaningful and that’s that.

Being a virgin isn’t a big deal. Some of us are late bloomers and that is completely fine. 

Feature Image Source:  Illustration by Tina Mailhot-Roberge

Masthead Source: Diegoguevara