The law of unintended consequences tells us that what you intend to achieve with an action may be quite different from what actually happens. The demonetisation of Rs 500 and Rs 1000 notes may or may not reduce black money in our economy, but it has set off a million conversations among Indians and others, and caused some consternation among our enemies.
Starting midnight on November 8, old Rs 500 and Rs 1000 notes can be used only at petrol stations, airport and railway ticket counters, hospitals, and a few government-owned cooperative stores – and that too only up to November 11. After that banks will exchange old notes for new up to a limit of Rs 4000, and the balance will go into your account if you come with a wallet full of them. If you bring moolah in a suitcase, Finance Minister Arun Jaitley plans to tax you 200 per cent when you turn up at the bank counter.
The benefits to the economy may be debatable, but consider the upside: Ola drivers are busier than before, airlines find that people are willing to fly even at exorbitant last-minute fares bought at airport counters, maids are turning up for work and eager to return their Diwali bonuses, temples are getting more devotees from both the front and back doors, petrol bunks have become picnic hotspots as long queues of cars wait to be served and coconut and peanut sellers buzz around like flies, etc, etc.
For all this, we need to thank Modiji.
Your correspondent has this story to report based on news leaks from our intelligence agencies who were busy tapping many phones. Others I gathered from keen observation and by doing time next to keyholes. Even conversations that were not supposed to happen happened. Most conversations were in regional languages and have been translated to make them accessible to a larger audience.
Consider this transcript sourced from RAW sources, who had tapped into an Lashkar-e-Toiba operative’s satellite phone conversation with his handler in Muridke near Lahore. The conversation is partly in code.
LeT guy stranded in India: Janab, main wapis aa raha hoon.
Handler (testily): Mujhe disturb kyon kar rahe ho?
LeT guy (equally testily): Woh paanch sau laddu jo aapne padosiyon ke liye bheje the, woh sab kharab nikle.
Handler: Yeh kaise ho sakta hai? Maine khud ye laddu gin kar, chun kar bheje the Diwali ke liye…
LeT guy: Dilli ke hawa mein problem hai. Hamare padosiyon ke bhi hazaar laddu kharab ho gaye.
Handler: Ye kaise hua?
LeT guy: Log kehte hain ke yahan ki sarkar ne hukum kiya…
Handler: #@+&%€~@#* (expletives deleted).
The handler’s subsequent phone call, is transcribed below.
Handler: Sikandar, Gernail Saab ko phone lagao.
Flunky: Ji huzoor
Handler (to Gernail Saab once the phone connects): Yeh Hindustani pagal ho gaye kya? Paanch sau rupaiye note ko najaiz kaar diya…
Gernail Saab: Haan, mujhe bhi khabar mili hai key unhonein paanch sau aur hazaar rupaiye note raddh kardiye….Maine apni jaali note press rukwadi…hazaron note abhi raddhi mein phenkne honge…
Handler: Fake note ka kaam to hamara tha, aur ye Kam@#$% Modi ne khud apne noton ko raddi kar diya…Ya, Allah, in Hindustaniyon ko koi akkal de...
Back home, here’s a snatch from a conversation at a major Bengaluru hospital.
Impatient patient: I need an appendectomy today…
Doctor: Are you covered by mediclaim?
Patient: Yes, yes, and even if I am not, I don’t care, I will pay cash…
Doctor: Show me where the pain is near the abdomen?
Patient: It’s on my backside, near the wallet…
Doctor: Can’t be, the appendix is in front…
Patient: Look, I just need a bill for an operation. The bigger the bill the better…
Meanwhile, atheists are turning devotees. We heard several conversations between the rich and their temple priests. Here’s one of them.
Businessmen: I want to donate Rs 1 crore to Lord Balaji. Here is the cash…
Head priest: Sure, sure (begins counting). But this is Rs 2 crore in Rs 500 and Rs 1000 notes.
Businessman: Well, yes. Rs 1 crore is the donation, but with the other crore I want you to give me back all the Rs 100s and Rs 50s you have in your Hundi. You could also give me equivalent gold deposited by other devotees…
Head priest: But the Rs 500 note has been demonetised.
Businessman: I know, why else would I come here….No one will question Lord Balaji if he claims the money came from devotees…Even the taxman knows that big bundles of cash are deposited here…Some of them also have hoards of such cash. I know, I pay them regularly.
The world of money has gone topsy-turvy. People who once used no cash suddenly want to pay only by cash, and people who used only cash want to know how to use e-wallets and debit cards. Here’s a conversation between a chauffeur and his employer.
Raju (the chauffeur): Saab, can you show me how to use my Jan Dhan account…and my Rupay card?
Saab: Yes, sure. But you said it was useless some time back…
Raju: Haanji, I opened it thinking Modi Sarkar will bring back black money and put in Rs 1 lakh or Rs 2 lakh, but all I got was Re 1…I read somewhere that some banker put this money in all accounts…What a joke…
Saab: But why do you now want to operate it? You will have to put your money in first before you operate it…
Raju: Kya karein saab…The Rs 500 notes you have given me as my salary cannot be used anymore. Modiji ne unhe raddh kar diya. Now I have to put them into my account and then get new notes….I have to use the debit card they gave me too…
Modi has got us talking. Suddenly, everyone who has ever seen a Rs 500 note or at least hopes to see one in his lifetime has now woken up. Including the LeT sleeper cells flush with fake “Gandhis”.
(This article is a work of fiction. The information, ideas or opinions appearing in this article are those of the author and do not reflect the views of ScoopWhoop)
