Remember the first time you fell in love?
It was all about the secret meetings, the stolen kisses, the sweet nothings. The making out sessions were steamy, fierce, spontaneous. The butterflies in our stomachs would always flutter when we looked into our lovers' eyes. Our thirst to love and to be loved would never quench.
When we first loved, we believed in our hearts that it was meant to be. But then, tragedy befell us. People changed. They left. They decided that maybe, just maybe, we weren't enough. Whatever happened obviously broke us, scarred us and we swore to ourselves that we would never love again.
Our generation has always seen love and sex together. Our parents fell in love before or after marriage, and that's also when they first had sex. And so, our generation has always seen sex as an extension of the love two people have for each other, a consummating act to prove where our loyalties lie.
But now, in the age of Tinder where we're busy swiping right and left, love has gone for a toss. Love now is this thing that you see other people have, a thing you wished you had but something you never really open to. People say you get wiser with age, but with love even the wisest of people have failed. There's confusion everywhere.
By the time we hit our mid 20s, life takes over. Work, friends and casual sex is just enough because who's got the time for love, eh? And just like that we give up on the idea of love, on the feeling one gets in a lover's warm embrace and the tiny gestures they make that tell us how much they treasure us.
We stop opening our hearts to avoid feeling vulnerable again.
Sex is easy, it's loving that hurts.
No matter how much you try, you never open yourself to be hurt again. Because hurting sucks! Sex on the other hand comes easy. It's easy to be consumed with the feeling of someone inside you and around you. It doesn't matter if they love you because in that moment you let go. However, it never fills the void you have.
Sex with no warmth
Have you ever felt this? The more sex you have with no strings attached, the more devoid of emotions you become. Each time you sleep with a new person, you feel like you're growing less human. After the deed is done, there's no warmth, you just flip to the other side and fall asleep. There's nothing that holds you to that person.
That hollow feeling that comes with casual sex
Your first no-strings-attached rendezvous probably happened right after a cruel break up. You go all in, holding nothing back and just wanting to get out of your misery. It works fine, the first time. But with every successive casual rendezvous, you start looking for something real, to feel a warmth again, but you end up feeling absolutely nothing.
Attachments become hard
The continuous explorations we make with our bodies, we never let them seep into our hearts and minds. We discover that being alone with ourself is just what we need. Attachment becomes a big deal, we've got friends for that.
But sometimes, that isn't enough, is it?
Liaisons that bring us no stability
One night stands, a quickie, sexting, Skype sex and the like, that's all there is to it. We invest in relationships that do nothing for us. They don't support us emotionally, or even scrape the surface of our hearts. All they do is add on to the confusion, the commotion that brews in us.
Give love a chance
The moment we fall for someone or even remotely start liking them, we quickly get all our guards out, every weapon, every charm that would keep us from hurting ourselves. We remember the horrible feelings we felt when we broke down and our hearts wouldn't stop aching.
But even after all the hook ups it takes to numb our hearts, somewhere deep down we pine for that warm, fuzzy feeling called love. But giving love a chance means being vulnerable. Loving somebody means giving a person a huge titanium hammer with your glass heart in their hands. You can only hope that they would never use the hammer.
But just maybe, love isn't that bad. Because even though, love hurts, none of us ever wants to be alone.
Which is why after all the hookups and two failed relationships, I still have a lamp burning for love, for that one person who would hold me in his arms and never let go, for that feeling that would overwhelm me.
So even as I swipe right through the myriad of faces that look decent and profiles that seem interesting, in the back of my head, deep down in my heart, there's still a part of me that hopes that one day somebody will prove me wrong.