There aren’t really a lot of cool things about me, and that’s why I need to tell you what exactly happened to me a few years ago.

It all started with a bunch of five friends. They would almost always be around Central Perk. I sometimes wondered how they were able to maintain a steady paying job in Manhattan while doing nothing. 

Then one fine day, I saw a beautiful lady – Rachel – walk in to my coffee shop in her wedding gown. 

I liked it but I couldn’t put a ring on it, because what people didn’t tell you was that a coffee shop doesn’t get you a decent amount of money.

Comedy Central

I overheard her talking about how she wasn’t sure whether she was ready to get married and had left the comfort of her house to make a life for herself. Her determination made her extremely desirable and I finally saw a chance to get rid of my cat because I had a good shot at replacing my life-partner with a real human being.

Do you realise how great that is?

I even hired her for a bit before being forced to fire her for her lacklustre work. It killed me from the inside but I had to do it anyway. Man, that broke my heart for good. 

Comedy Central

I didn’t even know their names. All I knew was that the pretty one was Rachel. 

One time, this really good looking guy came over and asked for Chandler. Till that moment, I thought he was Chandler. WTF!

When I asked him what he wanted for food, he kept rambling on about how his life was in a mess. I’m sorry but I’m here to serve bagels and not indulge in useless conversation about his life.


I later learnt that the one with the terrible voice was called Phoebe. What I didn’t understand was why her friends didn’t tell her she was a terrible singer. Her smelly cat gives me bleeding ears.

She keeps telling these weird stories and most of my other customers get creeped out by her presence. If she wasn’t Rachel’s friend, I would have thrown her out a long time back.

Comedy Central

She was even dating this one guy who’d flash his genitals in my coffee shop. Well those are not the kind of nuts we like here, so I asked him to put the mouse back in the house.

b’Source: YouTube’

There was this one time when Ross probably tried killing me using his fake Jedi skills. He kept calling it Unagi for some reason.


And then there was that time when Rachel wanted gifts for Christmas and she held my hand. 

I couldn’t feel any blood in my head and the next thing I remember was my staff picking me up from the ground. Was I injured? Yes. But screw that! RACHEL TOUCHED MY HAND!

b’Source: YouTube’

Even Joey hit on Rachel and I found out about that when Ross was giving him a earful. Why do bad things happen to good people?

It’s not that I didn’t try hanging out with them. I tried attending one of their parties but was promptly thrown out. I mean, if that’s not the definition of asshole friends, I don’t know what is.


So, before Rachel was about to leave for good, I decided to tell her my side of the story. 

I told her that I loved her and all I got was a peck on the cheek.

Rachel decided to look past my dedication and opted for the guy who was apparently ‘on a break’, had married a lesbian, was about to marry someone else and said the wrong name at the wrong time.

Comedy Central

I hope you finally saw my side of the story as well. In a world full of FRIENDS, it’s people like me who make it all work.