When I was a kid, I used to think that when I grow up, I will be attending Holi parties like they show in movies.
But that never happened because guess what, such parties don’t exist. Bollywood’s Holi defies laws of science (and logic but we are used to that).
Here are some points that prove Bollywood Holi are the biggest scam in the history of scams.
1. People wearing brand new WHITE clothes as if they don’t know they’ll get ruined.
At my place, every piece of clothing goes through a cycle. First, we wear it for important functions, then at home, then at night and then on Holi. After which, it becomes a pocha. I have never seen any party where people come dressed up in white so you have your first lie right there.
2. Girls playing Holi with open hair and still looking gorgeous AF.
There is a thing called ‘Holi prep’ that Bollywood seems to be unaware of. This involves oiling hair to the point that they start dripping and then tying them in a bun that is unshakable, standing like a mountain on top of our heads. If I were to open my hair while playing Holi, I will turn bald trying to get rid of colours and who wants to take that risk?!
3. Pichkaris having a secret, unlimited supply of water.
Somehow, the pichkaris are always full even though no one can be seen filling them, ever. Ye paani kahan se aaya? I know you can’t show them filling water 12 times in a 10-minute scene but thoda realistic toh rakhna chahiye.
4. Squads dancing in perfectly coordinated steps while tripping on bhaang.
Where do I even begin with this one. When me and my squad dances on Holi, we scare the fuck out of people because we are filthy, unrecognisable individuals bouncing around with energy. And as far as bhaang is concerned, I have never had it but I have seen enough intoxicated people to know that flashmob ain’t happening in that state.
5. People romancing while looking better than I have ever looked in my life.
For someone to be interested in me, they have to recognise me na? Romance ka chance hi nahin hai when you are camouflaging with the mud.
6. People putting colours on each other like this:
Whereas, what actually happens is this:
7. Getting rid of colours with just one shower.
I have gone to school looking like a used canvas, so no, not buying this AT ALL. No matter what quality of colour you use, itna jaldi toh nahin nikalta hai.