Bollywood has a good track record of making action films, we drop one every few months and we’re so consistent that they all look the same. They even mint good money, so there’s no reason to change the formula. These patriotic violent cinema is what we’re proud of, and we must be because nobody else can do it. Nobody else would want to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning talent here. It takes a lot of skill to package the same plot differently each time. And we do it.
So here’s a step-by-step guide for everyone out there:
Step 1: Take some dialogues that are nothing like how normal people talk.
A super hit action film is supposed to have dialogues that sound like slogans. Basically, things that you’d write behind a truck or things that we used to write as kids for our annual functions. They sound nothing like natural conversations, but they’re perfect to induce anger.
Step 2: Add a little surma to the antagonist. More surma = more evil.
A little surma can never go wrong. To establish that a person is evil and/or from Pakistan, we put some of it. It doesn’t have to add value to a scene or the character – it’s just a random creative choice. If anything, it’s smart because it helps differentiate between the hero and the villain.
Step 3: Make it about an invincible hero, with scratches and bruises that are supposed to be sexy(?)
The hero comes with a thick skin, literally, because even bullets don’t penetrate his bodies at times. If moti-chamdi had a visual representation, it’d be a Siddharth Anand hero. When they do get hurt, they are somehow made to look sexier – bruises should have an entire colour palette, guys.
Step 4: Add loads of tech that makes no sense, and no one knows nothing about.
The only way to get people to trust you is if you show development, and you can easily show development by introducing random tech. It doesn’t have to make sense – take inspiration from Doraemon, if that helps.
Step 5: A dishoom–dishoom every five minutes is a must.
An action film doesn’t have to have a plot – you don’t owe that to audiences. Just give them a few action sequences with body doubles, every now and then. For effect, let the villain beat the hero – that makes it ‘fresher’.
Step 6: One cannot go wrong with contemporary songs that have copied music. So, one shouldn’t leave that chance.
So the catch is, that you cannot be writing a proper screenplay each time. Which means that you need proper fillers. That’s where songs with random lyrics come into play. You can even copy the music from old songs. Of course, the female actor NEEDS to look sexy here – it should titillating for the audiences.
Step 7: Heroines that fit the “beauty-standard check” are an integral part. If not for them, who will the hero save?
For ‘feminist’ purposes, you can give the heroine a career. She can even participate in action sequences, but the hero MUST come and save her – that’s the selling point, people. You can even stop talking about the career after a point, because nobody really cares.
Step 8: Put VFX…a LOT of it.
VFX is like a band-aid for these films. Everything one can imagine, these films manage to do. Flying is the industry’s favourite thing, it’s also fun to watch so we do that often. These also do not have to be realistic or care about things like Physics. Those are just for the books, not the box-office.
Step 9: Some crying sequence for the audiences to hoot at.
Bollywood might be thriving with its action films, but we’re still loyal to the good old drama. So when you want to move audiences to a point that they burst crackers in the theatre, put in a crying sequence. Just some glycerin would do, maybe add a monologue if you feel like putting in effort.
Step 10: Nationalism is the key ingredient. You need almost too much of it.
Now, all of this is fine, but the one thing that matters (probably the only thing that matters) is if you use the nationalism intent. Draw from when you were gaslighting your ex. Remind the audiences every ten minutes that you’re a nationalist film, also remind that there’s only ONE enemy – even if you have to diss an entire country for it. Remember, India is the best.
Abs are the main character, though.
