Superheroes are for the most part defined by their swag and badassery and it inevitably leads to a superhuman sex appeal too. I mean, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to get with a super-hottie with powers you can never hope to have and who fights bad guys! Phshh.
But alas, all that sex appeal, as it turns out, is wasted on some of the heroes of the super world. These 12 superheroes, thanks to their super-ness, should never physically engage in, as Sheldon Cooper would put it, coitus.
1. The Incredible Hulk
While this has been portrayed differently in the comics and the movies, the general idea remains that Bruce Banner cannot get too sexually aroused without Hulking out. Thus, the massive superhero is always seen as pulling away from his lady just in time to keep himself from turning into green rage.
Hancock can have sex and actually does in one of the movie’s deleted scenes. He simply has to have a superhero-level pull-out game as well. In this deleted scene, he warns the woman to back away when he’s about to ejaculate – and we see his semen shoots up and riddles his trailer’s ceiling with what looks a lot like bullet holes.
3. Rogue from X-Men
The mutant has the power to basically suck the life force out of anyone she comes in direct physical contact with. So yeah, I believe it’s safe to say that Rogue isn’t getting any unless she’s really quick and doesn’t mind sacrificing her lovers for it.
4. Beautie from Astro City
A member of the Honour Guard in Astro City, Beautie is a robot girl with the appearance of a Barbie doll and the fighting skills of a ninja. Many hit on the dazzling android only to discover that she has no genetelia – hence making intercourse highly unlikely.
5. Deathlok from Marvel Comics
A back-from-the-dead cyborg, Deathlok is a combat cyborg of the Marvel universe and the thing about cyborgs is they ain’t got no ‘thing’. So let’s just say sex has kind of been ruled out for poor Deathlok.
6. Robotman from Doom Patrol
Robotman has a similar problem to the one Deathlok experiences. Due to cyborg-related anatomy issues, the Doom Patrol hero faces trouble in the bedroom to be specific, he doesn’t have the necessary equipment.
7. Cyborg from Teen Titans
As you can probably tell from his name, this Teen Titans superhero from the DC Comics universe does not have the required goods down under either. His android state leaves him indestructible to enemies and in a life-long dry spell.
Spider-Man can have sex, and given that he was a human to begin with, Peter Parker must really feel the urge too. But prolonged exposure to his radioactive, ahem, bodily fluids can kill the recipient of his tender spidey-lovin’.
Deadman is a ghost who has the power to possess any human body, but remains a formless hero without doing so. And I imagine it would be pretty tough getting into someone’s pants if you don’t have bodily form. This is, of course, hoping that Deadman’s moral keep him from using a stranger’s body as his vehicle into sexual release.
10. The Thing from the Fantastic Four
Ben Grimm from the Fantastic Four, turns out, has a tragically ironic superhero name. His transformation leaves him made entirely of stone and without a stone penis. His girlfriend Alicia dumps him and even mentions that she wasn’t getting any when she was with him. Ouch.
11. Negative Man from Doom Patrol
Negative Man, deadly to supervillains is also rather deadly to anyone who aspire to get into his mummy pants. The radioactive mummy has to be covered in protective bandages at all times and is therefore left pretty much permanently sexless.
Poor supers. All that power and no action. Those among us who’ve been deprived for a while understand the pain.