Ever wondered what your favourite celebrity would be, if not famous? Yeah, it’s hard to fathom. But in an alternate universe where they wouldn’t have a cult-like following and I would be a millionaire princess, this is who they’d be:

1. Akshay Kumar

Angry foofaji who moved to Canada ten years ago, yet still considers himself a champion of everything that’s wrong with India. 

2. Aamir Khan

Headmaster of a convent school. A stickler for perfection, yet somehow always forgets that his zipper is open.

3. Salmon Bhai

Loan recovery agent.

4. SRK

Part-time motivational speaker, part-time life coach to rich housewives worried about their husbands dumping them for their secretary. 

5. Ananya Panday

Your friend who spend six months in foreign. Suddenly she has an accent and thinks Vada Pao is too spicy?

6. Ranveer Singh

A human manequin. 

7. Kangana Ranaut

Paros waali aunty who everyone is scared of. Rumoured to be a witch. Won’t return your ball if it enters her yard. 

8. Arjun Kapoor

Annoying gym bro more concerned about “pump kyun nahi aa raha hain?” than anything else. Aspiring fitness influencer. Protein shake enthusiast. 

9. Hrithik Roshan

A sculpture. I mean the man already looks like he was sculpted by Michaelangelo.

10. Kartik Aaryan

Dilli ka launda. Will mansplain mansplaining to a woman. Passionate about #mensrightsmatter.

11. Tiger Shroff

Acrobat. Cause bones are overrated.

12. Vicky Kaushal

Vigilante IT guy who swoops in at the last minute to fix your computer after you swore you didn’t spill coffee on it. But he knows what you did.

13. Alia Bhatt

HR lead everyone in the office secretly has a crush on. A capitalist corporation’s prized possesion cause she’s hella good at her job.

Design credit: Ruhaan Royce.