Show your legs. Don't show your legs.
Nai maltab, show your legs for the audience. But don't show it to the Prime Minister.
When it comes to culture, sabhyata, sanskaar and all other pious values that are rooted in either religion or the country we belong to, women seem to be bearing the major weight of it all. If women wear short clothes, culture kahaan hai iska? If men rape women, arrey western kapde daaloge toh yeh sab toh hoga hi.
Now, amidst all of this, women are really confused as to what to do and what not to do. So, we decided to be the good susheel ladkis and made a comprehensive guide for all the Indian women out there to survive this year and somehow make it to 2018.
So, beheno, pay attention and take notes:
1. Don't hang out with your ex's brothers.
Ladies, do you want to come across as slutty, needy, or wannabe? No, right? Hanging out with your ex's cousins, chachi or chacha is vulgar. So, stop socializing.
2. Don't show your cleavage.
There's a reason why bras are made, woman! Keep them inside. Don't go around showing it to people asking to be slut-shamed.
3. Don't wear jeans. Especially if you're a global icon and in your 20s.
Come on, ladies. How difficult can it be to remain in your limits? Just don't wear jeans, yaar ! It doesn't matter if you're in your 20s, in your 30s or in your 40s.
4. Don't dare to correct a male senior actor. Even if he's wrong.
Honestly, why would you do that?
A. He's a man.
B. You're a junior.
C. You're a woman.
He's a veteran actor and you forgot to address him and thank him? That's blasphemous.
5. Don't wear 'provocative' dresses, hang out with men or smoke.
Girl, you're calling for trouble if you're doing any of the above things. These three things are the deadly combination that will get you slut-shamed left, right and center. Why indulge in such chee-chee harkatein?
6. Don't wear strappy tops or dresses. How much skin do you want to show?
Is this our Hindustan ki parampara? What a shame! Why would you wear something that shows so much skin when we have sarees?
7. Don't wear bras to show off to the world.
Are you kidding me? Bras are meant to be hidden inside clothes. Why is there a need to pose in them like a slut? Is this what you want people to think of you?
8. Don't click photos while breastfeeding. And certainly don't share them on your social media.
Breastfeeding is about this beautiful bond between a mother and her child. Why do you have to put up photos and malign such a sacred bond?
9. Don't show your knees to the Prime Minister.
He's the Prime Minister of India, the land rich in culture and sanskaars. Don't you dare show your knees to him. That's so asabhya!
10. Don't wear revealing clothes during Ramadan.
Aren't you fasting? Shouldn't you be pious during the Holy Month? What is this chhote kapde and all? No respect for religion.
11. Wear underwear to work if you want to be equal to men.
Why are you conducting interviews on national television? You've got no lajja or what? First, go wear some underwear if you want to do a man's job.
12. Don't wear shorts. Indian girls ko shobha nahi deta.
Such a slutty girl! Yeh dekho, adult diapers pehen liye Deepika ne. Tauba Tauba!
13. Don't show too much skin during a cricket match. At least not during Ind-Pak.
Didn't you learn anything from Mandira Bedi and her noodle straps? Come on, Mayanti, you should know better.
14. But if you're an actress, don't hide your body.
People are paying to watch you show your skin, not the film. Thoda aur mid-riff, thoda sa aur cleavage. Ab badiya hai.
15. Don't show your legs in your wedding dress. It's so un-sanskaari.
Showing legs in a traditional Tamil bride outfit? Such a disgrace to the community.
16. You can play a sport if you want to, but make sure you don't show too much skin.
And if you do, don't blame anyone for issuing fatwas against you. Sania, you asked for it!
17. Don't have an opinion.
And if you do, be okay with rape threats.
18. Don't use abusive words. And sex? Sexuality hoti hai kya aurat ki?
Women fantasizing about sex? Aisa bhi hota hai? Humare culture mein aisa kuch nahi hota. Yeh sab western propaganda hai.
19. Don't go out and party on NYE.
If you go out late at night in 'western clothes', molestation is bound to happen.
20. Don't wear a sleeveless gown.
Especially when you're a Muslim woman. Haaaaw! Are you even allowed to wear a gown? Mohammed Shami ji, aap apni biwi ko kaaboo mein kyun nahi rakhte?
21. If you're a woman in Bollywood, don't raise your voice against nepotism.
And if you do, then don't complain that everyone bitches about you and that Karan doesn't sign you for his movies.
Now go ahead, you naughty little badtameez ladki, cover your legs, cover your face and basically, just cover your existence.