VHS, as per its website, aims to “re-discover the identity of an Indian, project the correct Indian history, and promote Sanskrit as a link language, integral Humanism as an economic policy and Ram Rajya as a model for governance”.

It’s the same organisation that on Sunday organised a much talked-about conference titled ‘Bos Indicus: The Glorious Indian Cow’ (Yes, that’s the name) in association with the Bombay Stock Exchange (why BSE?) and Iskcon.

Amidst all the cow-glorification and talks of how saving it is the “need of the hour”, Swamy launched an app called Cow Connect.

Yes, now we have a mobile app for cows. After cow helplines and ambulances.

So, we decided to check out what the app is all about.

We downloaded the free app on our Android phone and boom! We encountered a saffron blast.

Big surprise that! Just in case we don’t miss out on it, the hump of the cow is given extra prominence in the silhouette. Because, according to most gau-rakshaks, that’s where all the good karma resides. Here is an image that will elucidate the point. 

The app gives you various boxes to click on:

Find a cow: No, it’s not a cow version of Ola and Uber and won’t take you to the nearest cow through GPS. What it will do it give you a list of goshalas around the country, some 80 of them.

The ‘Breed Info: This is like a mini-Wikipedia for cows, explaining different breeds of desi cow, their lactation capacity and other information

Gallery: This has pictures of cows. Cows gazing, cows standing, cows sitting. One of the sections in the gallery is called ‘Happy cows’. That’s our favourite section. No prices for guessing what the happy cows are shown doing. 

Product sellers: This will give you the contact details of various cow product sellers and the products they sell.

Activity: This gives you information on all the activities you can do to associate with the cows, like helping in a gaushala or even gau raksha. Don’t worry, this version of gau raksha doesn’t involve training in mob-lynching. 

The most bizarre section has to be the FAQ, the frequently-asked-questions section. This section has questions that really stumped us. Like how did the tea industry start as a conspiracy against cows?

But the answer to this question is certainly illuminating. 

“Tea was a drink which was widely propagated by the British in India with an aim to increase cow slaughter. They not only forced the farmers to cultivate tea as a cash crop, thereby affecting agriculture, but also indirectly and silently influenced the farmers to give up rearing cows. Cow’s milk being watery does not make good tea. Buffalo milk makes better tea due to its thick consistency. By propagating tea, the British indirectly propagated the rearing of buffaloes as milch animals.”

The section has more to offer. 

Under a question titled ‘bulls versus tractors’, the app tells us that “the bullocks facilitate cultivation by attracting solar energy. They attract the energy through their horns and pass it onto the earth via their hooves.”

It also tells us that banning cow slaughter is a matter of national emergency. “India was regularly attacked by invaders for 2000 years. The invaders would attack and loot the cities. However, the cities would bounce back within 10-15 years because the actual strength and source of wealth i.e. the cows were in the villages,” it says.

Einstein was a gau rakshak too? 

But this one has to be the smartest. As per the app info, cow slaughter causes natural calamities. It uses Einstein’s theory of pain waves to make its point. The theory says that regular killing of animals leads to disturbance in the earth’s tectonic plates, thus causing earthquakes.