Presumably, whenever you meet someone that subscribes to the idea that their palm, forehead, random tarot cards or some other stuff can predict their future, the rational intellectual in you can’t help but treat them with a considerable degree of dismissal. But the bizarre practice of fortune telling that you’re about to read of, will fail to elicit mere dismissal, I regret. All this will do, is make you chuckle with the cringe-riddled wonderment of a 5-year-old who’s just been told by a misinformed peer, that grown-ups rub their crotches together to make babies.

A little-known art of clairvoyance called Rumpology exists, which entails a practitioner staring at a client’s clothing-optional bottom and predicting their future based on what they… ‘read’. Yep, believe it or not, I speak of ass-reading as a legitimate form of telling fortunes.


And as if that wasn’t enough to tickle your curiosity, check this out. The foremost among conceivably few practising rumpologists in the world, is Sylvester ‘Rocky’ Stallone’s mother, Jacqueline Stallone!


You can’t make this stuff up. Here’s an actual screenshot from her website.

Jacqueline Stallone

She’s claimed that the reading of rumps used to be a common practice in ancient Babylon, India, Greece and Rome and has been instrumental in its modern ‘revival’. I reckon people never really asked her for credible sources or evidence ’cause she’s Rocky Balboa’s mom and angering her is a daunting prospect.

So you simply shut up and believe her when she says that the left and right buttocks reveal a person’s past and future, respectively; or that the crack of your behind corresponds to the division of the two hemispheres of the brain. She has said both those very conflicting things, by the way. Among a host of claims made by rumpologists.


Rumpology, supposedly, can be performed by sight, touch or by using buttock prints. And the various theorists of this pseudoscience believe that the ass holds the key (no pun intended) to one’s personality.

Bottom feeders readers around the world claim that the shape of, the lines, moles and dimples on… even the hair on one’s ass, are crucial factors that influence your existence in the past, present and most importantly, the future.

Guy Counselling

Well, I don’t know about you, but to me it sure feels like a party prank gone super-duper-flooper out of proportion. Like someone did this on a dare, but the person they were trying to trick farted in their face, so they decided to create rumpology out of spite!

But hey, I’ve got a house-shaped butt… so what do I know, right?!