You were what my parents panicked about ever since they realised that I could not even make the basic expectations when it came to mathematics. It’s something they never came to terms with. The single red mark that has graced almost every report card made my father ask,
Tell me, will I ever see one without?
And he did. After a tussle I cannot ever put in words, I managed to get through numbers. In the hope of never seeing them again, I opted for humanities. All because I wanted to find a way to your heart, cut-off.
But damn you.
Just when I had eliminated one big block in our relationship, you told me I will have to understand the Economics of us if I had to make it work. Numbers were your mojo and my nightmare.
But damn this young love! Always so keen to make everything work!
I tried to make it work. I tried so hard only to realise years later that we were never meant to be and it was never our fault.
You know how people always try to be the hero who tamed the dragon? That was me with you. I thought I could make it work, make you stay. I thought we could both walk up to my father and tell him how we had finally made it work, that we had finally understood each other.
But then you always had these ‘others’ who understood you better. Tell me cut-off, what was not enough? Even after I overlooked every ‘sin’ you ever committed against me ‘cos’ I wanted to make it work.
I mean, you have no idea how much I tried. All my formative years were spent wrapping my head around you. There were parts of you I understood so perfectly – your lines, angles, the directions – but it all got twisted when you got calculative about it. That’s all I wanted you to keep away from me to just get you, but cut-off, you always privileged the fancy people who could solve your game. Sadly, that was not me.
You have given me the worst insecurities. I wanted unconditional love and you always wanted me to count my way up to you.
We were mutually exclusive from the very beginning. We’re were the opposites that repelled and defied the rules of physics. I have stayed up so many nights, trying to make myself understand things I would never otherwise care about. I have made it to the borders of your heart without a single digit in my frame of vision, but the ones who crossed over the walls you built so high, were the ones who could quantify their love. That wasn’t to be me, of course.
I moved on. I finally found the love I had to find and moved on. But in the wake of my heartbreak, I met a lot whom you had ghosted like you ghosted me.
And knowing I was not the only one helped. You took ‘finding love is rare’ to the next level with the handful you chose. You have excellent taste, many who were your chosen lot were all – rounders to real world, it seemed. And then the real world really happened, and it was not so bad to me after all.
That’s right hun, I made it. And all that while you made me believe I wasn’t good enough, here’s news – nobody ever asked me if I made it through you.
We did fall in love once and all the while I tried to make it work only to be able to foresee something stable. I wanted invincibility. For reasons more than one, I could not make it to the benchmarks you had laid out for me, only to realise that was not my race to run. You were not what I needed. I made and am still making my way to where I want to be and you were never a part of that journey.
The numbers you made me fear only rattle me when I see them on a dress I can’t afford. Funny how you’re still so much a part of the ‘can’ts’ in my life and it’s still going fine. Yeah, I sucked it up and moved the hell on. All after not making your cut!