Do you have a friend or an acquaintance with a chronic case of the stick-up-their-ass? Is their birthday perchance coming up? Then you’re in luck, friend! Cruise on below and choose one or all of the gifts I’ve toiled and tumbled to put together for this very occasion. These nifty little presents are sure to unclog that anus, and in the process free you from having to listen to them bitch and groan for another whole hour.


1. Fidget Cube

This little piece of magic’s got it all. It’s literally the fidgety shifter’s dream come true. It has a rotating dial, a tiny joystick, tactical gears and everything else the person who doesn’t know what to do with their hands needs. I can already feel my endorphins releasing… mmm.

Get it here.


2. Drum Set

If you really love someone, get them a drumset. Yeah, it’s expensive, but would your rather watch that person scream and heave through yet another hissy fit? Nah. Get ’em a drumset and make sure you don’t live anywhere within earshot while they’re releasing all that pent up frustration.


3. Lava Lamp

Loosy-goosy baby. That’s the way of the lava lamp. No matter how pissed off you are, these gooey thingies can soothe those frayed nerves. So it’s the perfect gift for your zen-challenged friend.


4. Massage Pillow

Knead those tired muscles and relax. A massage cushion can sort out almost any problem, if you leave it in the right position long enough. Anger management classes work too, but this is almost as good! Ok not quite.


5. Tibetan Singing Bowl

Oriental meditation in a bowl, that’s what this thing is. That might be oversimplifying it, but you can’t deny the calming capabilities of these little bad boys. Align your chakras and all that in a spin!


6. Spa Coupon

Perfect for angry adults and grumpy girlfriends alike, a chill day in a massage parlour is just what the doctor ordered.


7. Punching Bag

If your frustrated friend isn’t the kind to dig a massage, a more direct approach would be to get them a trusty ol’ punching bag. Get rid of all that negative energy, one ghusand at a time!


8. Relaxing Gel Eye Mask

This skin-friendly eye mask with a cooling inner gel is a spot-on gift for those friends who are tied to their screens all day. You know, the ones with circles around their eyes so dark they’d make black holes look like the Ku Klux Klan’s undies.


9. Adult Colouring Book

This ain’t no joke. Get your buds one of these adult colouring books and watch them while away the hours in ignorant bliss, reconnecting with their childhood and probably drawing a penis or 2 in the process.


10. Himalayan Salt Lamp

These nifty little things release some kind of special juju into the air that automatically sorts out all of them bad vibes, ja feel? No seriously, these are made with salt crystals from the Himalayas, which help purify and clear the air of allergens.


11. Dildo

You’ll be amazed at the sheer variety of sex toys available on this website. Never be one to complain about being spoilt for choice though, so get your buddy a ‘stress release device’ today!


12. Stress Ball

Get your buddies a trusty ol’ stress ball if all else fails. Pick it up online or head over to the neighbourhood Archie’s or something.


13. Some 4/20 Goodness

And make sure it’s good maal you chindi bastards!


14. Hoodie Pillow

Lean into one of these bad boys on a flight and experience the best rest of your life. A great gift for someone who travels a lot/ likes to scream at babies.


15. The Legendary Scalp Massager

Get your friends one of these godsends and watch them melt into a puddle of bliss in front of your very eyes. Oh yes, it’s that good.


Be zen, my duderinos!