The last 5 months have left us all weather-worn, and that includes our genitals. Such little interaction with the outside world has never been the forte of people in their 20s, and it’s safe to say that our libidos are in collective denial about one terrifying fact – 

There’s no action coming. Nada. You might as well sing Akon’s Lonely to your nethers at night because that’s all it’s going to be. Heck, I’ll make you a whole playlist – curated and everything.  

By now, there’s no point even whining about it, after all, it’s basically like bitching about corona. It’s a fact, it’s passe… hum kuch nahin kar sakte. But, I love whining, so complain I shall. 

Obviously, this doesn’t apply to those of you who are living with your lovers, frolicking around your houses as you share burgers and bodily fluids with equal ease. Chhee.

Meanwhile, most of us don’t even remember what it feels like to be around other people, forget having sex. Do we even call it sex anymore, or have we gone back to the Shakespearean ways of saying it. Like cleaving? No, that’s more Bible than Shakespeare. 

But spare a thought for the rest of us – starved for physical affection, staring at thirst traps on Instagram all day. We’re starving and super thirsty y’all. Somebody hit up the UN, get some humanitarian aid up in here. Or a few Tinder matches at least.

People have been sexting so much their fingers have boners. People are so horny, rhinos are unionizing to reclaim the horn. But I’m sorry folks, ‘cos in the words of Shakespeare, ‘The beast with two backs is currently in quarantine’.

As you can probably tell, this period of forced abstinence has had some curious side effects, such as inexplicable (and often unreliable) references to Shakespeare.

All too human

Is this how they felt during the Bubonic Plague? Were they making ‘Boob’onic jokes as well? We’ll never know. 

What we do know is that rats and bats have ruined our sex lives for far too long. And even though this article was supposed to be about accepting that sex is off the menu, it’s now devolved into a rant declaring war on furry animals. 


In conclusion, I’d just like to ask everybody to focus on other interests, maybe try some meditation, and if things get a little too tough – go fuck yourself, literally.