I haven’t been alive long enough to be too wise in the ways of the world. I do not know the meaning of life, nor do I know if we’re really alone in the universe. And I doubt I ever will. But after decades of watching my friends, as well as a whole lot of first hand experience, I’ve come to regard myself as something of an expert when it comes to getting into that purgatory of relationships: the dreaded ‘Friendzone’.

So, for guy and girl alike, if you’re looking to keep your stuttering hopes of a happily ever after alive, do not repeat these mistakes.

1. Constantly texting your crush. Like all the time.

2. Writing them a love song just days after meeting them for the first time.

And another. And another.

3. Sending them long letters professing your undying love for them.

Write a letter in blood if you want to get blocked.

4. Being waaaaay too excited around your crush. Like a gerbil. On coke.

5. Following them around everywhere.

6. If following weren’t enough, going ahead and setting up all those ‘coincidental meetings.’

7. Stalking your crush on Facebook. And liking everything they post.

‘Like’ old photos and you’ll get transported to a place beyond the Friend Zone: Never -land.

8. Staring at him/her. All. The. Time.

9. Giving them a completely unasked for, totally awkward, shoulder massage.

10. Leaving notes for them on their front door. And on their car. And in their bag.

11. Asking them how they’re doing. All the time.

12. Constantly reminding them that you’re always there for them.

13. Asking them where they are and making sure you keep real close tabs on them, all the time.

You don’t want them slipping out of your grasp, then stop tracking them.

14. Being too available, all the time.

Fuck this important meeting, I’m going grocery shopping with my crush.

15. Expecting them to spend ALL their time with you. And getting pissed when they don’t.

16. Imposing yourself into your crush’s friends’ circle.

Like a tentacled pervasive thing. I’m sorry I can’t think of a metaphor.

17. Saying yes to everything your crush asks.

Brothers and Sisters, heed my words and you too shall be delivered from the cursed “Friend Zone.”

Featured Image by Deirdre Bosa