This letter is dedicated to my selfish AF friends who made me the third wheel to their relationship within weeks after I introduced them to each other.

Dear Assholes of the highest order,

Remember the times when you’d come crying to me about being lonely, desperately asking me to set you up with someone? 

And what did I do? I played cupid for you guys because I was like, “mere 2 sabse achhe dost date karenge toh kitna mazaa aayega.” 

That isn’t the case. Clearly.

If I had known that being a third wheel would become my perpetual state of life, I never would have gotten you two together. 

I took out my bow and arrow, and aimed straight for your hearts. And what did you guys do? Pyaar hua nahi ki dost ko bhool gaye. 

*Dost dost na raha plays in the background*

See, I don’t mind hanging out with both of you at the same time. That was one of the reasons why I set you up in the first place.

But dude, that doesn’t mean you completely sideline me while you go on with your mushy conversations. 

You want to indulge in PDA? Let me tell you this: a little goes a long way. Don’t be all over each other when I’m around. It’s uncomfortable AF.

I share separate interests with both of you, but ever since you’ve started dating, both your personalities have merged into one BORING person! How you managed to do this to each other, beats me, but it’s damn annoying.

Ek waqt hua karta tha jab hum saath mein hasste the but now you guys have your own inside jokes and half of the time I don’t understand shit you’re talking about. 

Could I be any more of an outsider?

AND OMFG! The only time you’re not oblivious to my existence is when you have to fight and need someone to back you up. 

Mujhe maaf karo! That is a territory I never signed up for.

It’s thanks to me that this even happened in the first place. Put me on a fucking pedestal for bringing love and sex into your lonely AF lives.

But what can I even do except complain? Pyaar toh andha hi hota hai. You guys have proven that you can’t even see me when we are together.

Also, why aren’t my opinions about where to hang out important anymore? Both of you always pick the place and, then eventually, forget that I came along.

Aise kaun karta hai yaar!!

And please, do not come to me to bitch about the other one.

You’re on your own now.

Yours, (not anymore)

Regretful matchmaker

Table for one, please!