Hello Chintu. Yes, for obvious professional reasons, I cannot name an actual person here.
This is in response to the countless memes and jokes you have been sharing at our expense over the years. You would think the HR probably won’t be petty and desperate enough to address this over mail but let’s be honest, we are!
So, you think we go to college for years, study and get our degrees just to make Rangolis at work? Well, to be fair, it is the easy thing to do. Most days by lunch, 9/10 of you look like arthritic dogs at the end of their lives. You look as lethargic and de-spirited as the cat in the photo on your desk. So, it doesn’t exactly seem like a crowd for more creative ventures!
What happened? You had to book a cab and the driver cancelled and then kids on the street stopped you in traffic and asked for breakfast money? You came to work and did what the company pays you to do? Tough life, no? Grow up!
Sure, there have been pay cuts and we have had to lay off some people but it’s nothing personal. I don’t even really know all your names.
They just pay me just enough to remember you by the things you do. Like the lady with the pink hair, the IT guy, the other IT guy who actually knows what he’s doing, that person in marketing who chats a lot, or the weird guy with the cat photo on his desk.
And honestly, I am sorry we cut some of your salary. Look, I’ll admit I don’t know what it’s like living paycheck to paycheck!
I sense you are expecting a ‘but’ after that sentence but I swear by Oath of HRs, I really have no idea how you poor people live. I heard landlords increase rent by 10% every year!! That’s less than your last appraisal. LOL! How do you live?
That was rhetorical. Please don’t consider this letter to be an open invitation to inform me of your financial issues, I obviously don’t care, as you have repeatedly stated in your dank memes.
You are always complaining about how the workplace could be better. And every time I try to do something about it, you just make fun of me. You don’t even like the Pizza Parties. GiVe Us PrOpEr WoRk HoUrS, We DoN’t WaNt PizZaS!
Do you think, I make those rules? Every day you work, I work. What do you think, we play Solitaire behind our computers? This isn’t your dad on his government job. We have real work to do.
And the reason we can’t have good parties, and by good parties, I mean with alcohol, is because you need permission to serve alcohol and also, I can’t expect the men to behave.
Hey, I am glad you all had a good time last time when you puked in 12 different places, excluding the washrooms! And those are the only complaints I am legally allowed to talk about in public, you rat bastards!
And we know you are late to work and smoke breaks are just breaks to chill and that they last unusually long. We also know that it was you who microwaved that fish. We also watched you cuss and make faces at the CCTV to check if it’s working.
You also screamed at the CCTV camera because you thought it doesn’t capture sound. Plot Twist, it does.
Yeah, all the unparliamentary shit as well and we chose to ignore it. Just like we chose to ignore all the time you chilled out after work on office grounds but logged out later to make everyone think you worked extra, and the 7 times you took a shit and didn’t flush!
We know who you are. We have your papers. We have been through them over and over again. We see you, we hear you, we know! You exist, however miserably that maybe, because we allow it.
We could make your life very difficult. We could ban smokes on campus. We could take it higher up the food chain and have the shop stop selling cigarettes within our locality.
Hell, we’ll even throw in a couple of extra festivals to be celebrated in the office. We’ll start an Arts and Crafts Retreat, make participation compulsory. We could start charging you for coffee! We could make you all compete to lose weight like they do in The Office, the show!
So, stop crying. Stop this drivel about the HR being useless. It’s true, we don’t work for you. We work for corporate. But we do our jobs. We keep you in line, we keep your bosses in check and the wheel keeps turning and everyone keeps making money. And every once in a while, I like making some Rangolis. So quit being a little shit.
P.S. We could have done this in person behind closed doors but you’re the one who keeps going- ThIs MeEtInG cOuLd HaVe BeEn A mAiL!