Secret Santa – the Christmas activity where people are randomly assigned to present each other with gifts – is one of the rare office community exercises that you don’t always mind being a part of. After all, who does not like gifts?
Of course, there is the possibility that the gift you receive does not suit you (or anyone, really), but it’s still free.
And sometimes, unexpectedly, you might just get a special gift that makes you believe in secret admirers without thinking of SRK from Darr.
But there is another ‘special scenario’ that may occur. One, where whosoever has been assigned to get you a gift… forgets to get you one.
And you are left with a kind of existential crisis, the likes of which even Ranbir Kapoor never faced in any of his ‘self-discovery’ movies.
You may think I am exaggerating, you may think that it’s just a gift, you may question that why can I not get myself one.
But let me tell you – it has happened to me. And it’s the worst feeling ever.
Worse than knowing that Beyonce was performing in India and all I could see were mobile videos.
Beyoncé is really performing in India and none of us will see 😩— Throw that ass in an Orbit💫 (@lalalo95) December 9, 2018
(Seriously Mukesh Ji, charge hi kar lete concert ke liye).
At first, when I did not get a secret Santa gift, I was shocked… after all, I am a fairly nice person who is extremely easy to buy gifts for.
(Really, even a hug makes me smile).
I was then curious – what could I have possibly done that I did not even deserve a gift?
This led to a lot of soul-searching… and pestering my coworkers for answers (I may or may not have channeled my inner Gordon Ramsay).
The two stages transformed into stages of sadness, acceptance, and finally anger.
Yes, anger came after acceptance, because I ‘accepted’ that my secret Santa was simply a jerk. And then I got angry.
Because who hurt you dear secret Santa?
What happened in your life that was so bad that you could not make the simple effort of buying a nominally priced gift for a not-so-random stranger?
Who disappointed you so much that even ordering a bouquet of flowers and chocolates seemed like a task too difficult for you?
Are you technologically challenged, lazy, or just plain old grumpy?
And I know you got a gift.
I know that because I was the only one who came to the office every day – hoping to see a brightly colored package on my desk – and only finding wrappers of the candy I ate the previous day.
I also heard shrieks of excited (and fake) surprise as people got their gifts. And do you know what I got?
A big, fat, nothing. Because of you.
You – who are still a mystery to me… and who should continue to remain a mystery because I have started watching Dexter again.
I mean, if you were not in the Christmas spirit, then you should have never signed up for the gift exchange only.
Or if you were too occupied (seriously, who are you, the wedding planner of Ambanis?), you could have just given me a gift card.
Or even a bar of chocolate. Or your Netflix password for a month. Or introduced me to your single friends?
But no, you chose to accept a gift, see my name, and ignore me. Well dear secret Santa, BIG MISTAKE.
Cuz the last time I was on the nice list of Santa was when I was 7. I am now 27, and I have 20 years of naughty to let loose on someone.
Dear ungrateful secret Santa, this Christmas, I am the ‘gift’ you weren’t expecting. *Evil laughter.*
(PS: I’m actually a nice person so if anyone wants to give me secret gifts, I accept books, brownies, and beer.)