Ah yes, the internet – a place of unimaginable wonder, boundless knowledge, and most importantly – sheer boiling frustration. Why you ask? Because even though it’s 2019, our connection’s still like to give us the odd jhatka, randomly slowing down to a snail’s pace while still claiming that it’s connected. 

In other words, an infuriatingly slow internet connection is actually way worse than your net not working at all.


Just think about it guys, remember the terrible 90s and early 2000s? You had to wait 5 minutes for a single pixel to load. The wait was gut-churning, especially if you were in a hurry.  

Having to wait for the internet to load slower than an 80-year-old going down a staircase honestly gives me PTSD. 


At least when the net’s not working, you know it’s not working. You don’t have hope.

But when it does that thing where you see a bunch of bars, and try to load a page, only for it to just keep you on your toes. Well that’s just sad and depressing. I prefer ripping the band-aid off as compared to slowly unraveling a pus-filled disaster. 

Did I just compare slow internet to an infected wound? Yes I did. You have to understand, it’s probably causing heartburn and hypertension to people above 40. It’s a disease we have to wipe out.


I suggest we all get behind the cause of doing away with the situation know as SAN, or Slow Ass Net. Start a petition, make a GoFundMe, put some signatures on Change.org – whatever needs to be done. 

Soon, there will be cases of people smashing holes in the walls and punching their neighbours because the net just pulled a fast one (I mean a slow one) on them. The frustration is unimaginable and subsequently requires medical help.

How do we protect ourselves from the scourge of this terrible disease? Well, we could ask Mukesh Ambani to fast-track his internet plans for us. The trouble with getting through to him is that it’s super hard ‘cos our current internet plans are super slow.

And one more thing – why the fuck does my 4G work perfectly in the middle of nowhere in Himachal, but not work in the middle of FREAKIN’ South Delhi?! What is this bakwaas?! Answer me Brodafone and Hairtel.


It’s the worst when you have to check something super quick, and you frantically whip out your phone and computer. You’ve got a minute to check that. Guess what you’ll see – a loading screen for 10 minutes. That’s not just Murphy’s Law or god being a dick. That’s the curse of slow internet. 

Slow internet can take a perfectly normal human being and turn him or her into a frothing beast, impossible to approach unless you offer high speed WiFi.


You know the phrase – good things come to those who wait? Lavda mera! If I want to see a picture of a gorilla scratching his butthole in 0.2 seconds, then that’s what I want! I know I sound entitled as fuck – sorry, just got a little agitated. See? That’s the danger of slow internet.

All I’m saying is, this is a major issue that no one seems to to be talking about, and whenever I bring it up people just laugh. 


So I appeal to all of you – take this problem seriously. It could be the end of us all. #NeedForSpeed