Warning: This piece is triggering as it will most likely crush the fragile SOBO ego.

In case y’all haven’t moved on from the ‘Is Thane even a part of Mumbai?’ debate then let me close this once and for all. Thane is not a chunk of Mumbai. It is, rather, way superior to Mumbai.

You settled for a 1BHK in Mumbai for 10 Cr and I got a 4 BHK with a personal jacuzzi in Thane at the same price without having to sell my kidney. Bro, we are not the same.

Those of you are screaming, first of all, it’s ‘थेन’ not ‘थाने’ thinking it’s peak humour, this is precisely why you become the butt of the jokes.

Folks living in South Bombay assume that they don’t breathe different air than the other parts of the city. But, the real query is: Do you even breathe? Unfortunately, your tiny purse won’t even fit the oxygen cylinder that you desperately need the moment you step out of your house. No wonder your Instagram stories are rife with sky pictures on one rare day when your air is free from pollution.

Cut to Thane, the air is cleaner. Maybe ‘cos fewer people emit less Co2? One good thing about people not wanting to visit Thane. But hey, you should consider moving here. Perk: Gorgeous skies every day.

“But ew, you guys still haven’t progressed enough to travel by cabs?” Bhai, auto ho ya cab, chutiya tumhara hi katega. While your nose is buried in your phone, the driver will cruise you through a longer route, prompting the metre to skyrocket. Nonetheless, Mumbaikars can’t escape one reason: Traffic dekh rahe ho madam?

Sure, move to SoBo if you really wanna melt off the five layers of makeup on your face while you deal with the wrath of Mumbai’s humidity. You might be cool but Thane’s weather is cooler, something that makes life here way better. 

Honestly, Veer Zara would become a real relationship status if a Bombay guy gets smitten by a Thane girl. Need a visa to cross borders or squander a month’s salary to reach Thane via Uber. Same hassle.

“Oh, but we have marine drive.” The constant shield you deploy in guarding the honour of your city. Even you know that out of all things you have overhyped, marine drive tops the list because a) You don’t wanna boil your asses sitting on the rock at 2 pm in the stifling heat and b) You don’t have a partner. The ones who know, know. 

But yeah, play the ‘marine drive’ card and Thanekars won’t mind changing trains at Dadar so they can take photos in the damn view!

AND Bollywood! Your idea of where meet-cutes take place is just the southern part of Mumbai? Thank God for Amazon Prime’s Modern Love Mumbai having an episode titled ‘I Love Thane’ ‘cos if this isn’t the first step towards representation, I don’t know what is. 

Okay, you can pass the ‘Thaneww’ slurs all you want but remember it when you forgo your elite self at Thane’s Gajanan Vadapav while begging a dabba of extra chutney to take home. 

Long story short, if you’re willing to divorce your nightlife (which you already did during the pandemic) then peace is welcoming you to Thane with arms stretched wide.