First of all, why are you so keen on having people sitting at their desks in closed spaces without even the scope of sunlight piercing through? 

Nobody likes that. You probably have some weird kinks or unresolved childhood issues, in which case, good for you or see a therapist. Either way, leave us out of it. There’s no point in us going to offices to do the work we are already doing from the comfort of our homes. And since your companies haven’t completely tanked, it’s fair to assume we have been doing it well throughout the pandemic. 

And I hope you do realise the significance of the word pandemic in there. I also hope you realise, despite masks hanging below noses and an assorted congregation of idiots around every street corner, that the pandemic is still on. 

What’s that? “It’S oNlY fOr 2 DaYs A wEeK.” IT’S NOT YOUR CHILD’s CRICKET PRACTICE! And what’s up with the ‘We will take a call after a few days of 2 days a week?’

Aww, you will take a call, will you, in your daily meetings with who’s who of corporate? Meetings, that everybody present and otherwise knows are as pointless as the 12 HRs in a team of HR? 

Maybe, next time there is a dance competition nobody wants to participate in, the team of HRs could just do it amongst themselves. Their only pop-culture representation is Toby Flenderson from The Office. Stop sucking so much!

Diving off the ‘Hate HR bandwagon’, and jumping right into why we don’t need to come back to work, a) a lot of us aren’t in the same city as the office. 

The last two years have been tough, no matter what part of the country you are in. So most of us have left the cities we used to work in and have returned homes, to our parents or otherwise. Asking us to come back would mean moving cities again and worse, finding houses to rent. 

And if your employees are Muslim, openly LGBTW+, unmarried, living with a partner, have a pet etc, they are well and truly f***ed. Nobody is lining up to show houses to us. Old a** landlords be like, “But you will have sex”. 

On account of not being asexual, you are god damn right, we will. But how does that affect you? Are you afraid that the cheap bed you put in the house to get it qualified for ‘fully furnished’ on NoBrokers, will break? Or do you think STDs are just airborne and your old age makes you more vulnerable? I really want to know, because married couples have sex all the time. 

And that above is the least of the problems when paired with ‘if you are Muslim or gay or trans’. 

Also, it makes no sense for us to have to pay for Uber and autos, or even use the Metro and spend 3-4 hours travelling every day. Add 8 hours (actually 10), to that and we barely have any time to ourselves. 

Not to forget, the insane surge in the prices of everything when you move to a bigger city. And not like, you’re gonna give us good appraisals either. Oh what, 15% hike that you gave? Yeah, I earn peanuts, 15% of peanuts is just a little more peanuts, you abominable wankheads. 

I genuinely don’t understand why would you want us to get back to do a job we are already doing and doing well from our homes for two years. And please don’t say, we have to get back to normal. 

Normal was utter shit. Not that this is much better but it’s better than utter shit. All the talks of team and camaraderie or creating a proper office environment makes you look more out of touch with reality than is expected even from you. 

Office environments are mostly toxic and unimportant, rendered by years of practise of having employees indulging in cutthroat competitions amongst themselves. So if I am playing Squid Game, I am doing it from home, so every time your people send a mail, I can scream F**king a*****es, eat s**t, you entitled roaches from the pens of the intellectually inferior, before opening it and doing exactly what you asked. 

And no, please stop basing your decisions on random surveys suggesting working from home is causing stress. The stress is caused by you expecting us to be online even after work hours because you think just because we can’t go out of our houses, means we have no lives. Secondly, show us who did the survey. Because you can’t ask the opinion of asteroids in a debate between Asteroids VS Dinosaurs. 

Look, we both know you are not stupid. And even though you probably lack a soul, I am counting on the fleeting moments in the day where you feel somewhat human. So don’t ask us to come back to the office and kill ourselves for you.

If we are to die by being crushed under the spinning wheels of capitalist buffoonery, WE PREFER TO DO IT IN OUR OWN HOMES!