The official meaning in case you have never done this unholy act, is an audible or silent discharge of intestinal gas from your anus.
These deadly discharges can be the cause of someone’s death due to suffocation and I am pretty sure, is the leading cause of global warming. The government has been lying to you.
Of course, I am a culprit too. I’m a big foodie, I’ll admit. Pani-puri, masala-mudhi, hot-mix or Bombay-mix (commonly called mixture) and junk food are some of my favourites. While being super appetizing, these kind of foods often wreak havoc on my digestive system. More often than I would care to admit, I have been in some tight spots because of this. The smell which accompanies the relieved sensation is because of the fermentation of the food that we eat.
When I was studying in Delhi, I had my classes early in the morning. That meant skipping some of my morning rituals if I had to be on time. Like many, I used take the metro to commute. On one particular day, after I had gorged on some fart-inducing-food the previous night and in a hurry, neglected to take a dump. I was thinking I would be able to hold it in till evening. Boy, was I ever wrong about something.
I was returning home, after a really hectic day of assignments and tests. That day, the metro station was really packed , reminding me of a concert but without the music. My intestines were growling, reminding me of the impending danger. All I could think of was holding it in, my butt missing the cold yet familiar sensation of my toilet seat. Suddenly, there was a familiar sensation in my stomach. The sensation of gas passing through my intestines to escape from my butt-hole. I had to face an ultimatum. Either hold it in, or try to fart without emitting any noise.
There were people around me sitting in their seats, fiddling and tapping away on their phones without being aware of the impending disaster. Without any shame, I chose the latter. I let out a long silent fart, thus being relieved for a couple of minutes at least.
I was hit with the stench of gutter, like a thousand rotting corpses. It was as if someone had opened a portal to some wasteland. The passengers wrinkled their nose in disgust, looking at each other trying to find the culprit. I pretended to be scandalized by this and played my part of an innocent bystander perfectly.
Honestly, I should have been given the Oscars for such a believable performance. The expressions on my face, the way I looked at my fellow passengers trying to find the culprit of this hellish behavior. Within a heartbeat, people left their seats and went to the other compartment. I stood for a couple of minutes and then claimed the seats, resting my tired legs.
That moment, I was thankful that farts aren’t visible. Did you know that no two farts are alike? I have often imagined if farts very visible, what colour would my fart be? Imagine if people’s farts were visible and colourful. A trail of color could be seen exiting my anus would probably make up for a dazzling sight. If two persons who farted different colors mated, then their offspring might fart a combination of those colors. Scientists would spend billions of dollars into the reason of the colors. They might even consider my name for their theory.
Multinationals would try to prey on our insecurities and try to invent a machine which converts our farts into desired shapes and sizes. An upcoming teenage pop artist farting red hearts during a concert would make for headlines all around the world. An activist farting signs of peace to raise awareness, a politician farting his party’s symbols and so on. Pretty soon, various startups might invent revolutionizing products which would help us attract others. Our entire life might revolve around our farts.
The meaning of the expression, heads up someone’s ass, might change to admiring the shapes of someone’s fart. Social media would be full of people uploading videos and pictures of farting. Lingerie brands would conduct ramp walks full of beautiful women farting.
Magazines would publish articles on how to fart like a lady and how to fart like a man. Talk shows would be full of intellectuals discussing about whether the red farts are cute or the blue ones are. Assassins might be trained to emit lethal gases or sleeping gases.
It would indeed be a hilarious world to live in if this happens. Suppose some mutation in our genes would result in this in the far off future and all the above scenarios might occur and much more. Lastly, I would try to and request others to fart only in their homes and not to be the cause of someone’s unintentional death.
About The Author: Aurobindo Mishra is a blogger and is currently pursuing computer science (B.Tech) from S.U.I.I.T , Sambalpur, Odisha. And no, you don’t need a gas mask to be his friend.