As someone who has had to relocate every other year or so, I’ve exposed myself to the crappy spectrum of landlord-based discrimination in its entirety and let me tell you this – it is not a pretty picture, especially for someone who’s doing this for the first time ever.

So why am I ranting here, you ask?

‘Cause I’m freakin’ furious as hell!

I’ve just stumbled upon this website from NestAway called Rent-A-Fix and what I saw there, left my blood boiling. Here’s a website that is selling these abso-effing-lutely genius products that would’ve made house hunting so much easier for me 7 years ago. I swear I was so distraught that I had to take a minute to calm down. 

The website had listed 4 products, each with links to buy them off Amazon, so naturally, I made a beeline for it.

I started off with the Instawed kit.

What’s it for: Looking for a house to rent when you’re still a bachelor is an epic pain in the neck. If they are remotely civil people, they give you the death-stare for even daring to ask, or if outspoken, they simply slam the door on your face. Personally, I’ve encountered words like “irresponsible”, “party-loving” and “wild” during my house-hunting quest and these are just the PG-13 ones. This kit comes with the magical ability to convert your potential flatmate into a sati-savitri spouse that your landlord can accept. Because how else will see you in a responsible and adarsh balak light? Check out the demo here.

What’s in the box?

• 1 Mangalsutra – To convince him of the “saat janam kaa bandhan.”
• 1 set of bangles – For “choodi jo khankee raaton mein” (So what? You’re married now)
• 1 Nose ring and earrings – To make your friend look sundar and susheel.
• 1 Box of sindoor – Because “ek chutki sindoor ki keemat” is your effing monthly rent.
• 1 Wedding Ring – Because the sindoor and mangalsutra might not be completely convincing.
• 1 Dupatta – Because a wife without the mandatory ghoonghat is no wife at all.

My Thoughts: “Bwahahahahahaha.  Such genius, I’m dying.”

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Next, recovering from the peals of laughter, I opened the No Barking Mouth Plug kit.

What’s it for: Thanks to all the discrimination out there, finding Godzilla as a flatmate is likelier than finding a pet-friendly house to rent. So when one little whimper from your pet is enough to displease the Rental Gods (read landlords) drastic measures must be taken. So why abandon your pet, when you can plug their mouths with this state-of-the-art voice manipulator. This mouth plug will make your furry friend sound like a cooing baby. Life = Sorted. Check out the demo here.

What’s in the box:

• 1 high-tech sound masking mouth plug- So that your “little baby” does sound like a little baby.
• 1 squeaky toy – Because if your baby doesn’t have a khilauna, he might play with your bhavnayein.

My thoughts: Wait, will my cat like this? *offers to cat*

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Then, I gave the ol’ Sacha Paneer Spray kit a try.

What’s it for: For people who are in a committed relationship with non-vegetarian food, looking for a place on rent is SIN. I mean, how dare we sully the godly homes of our dear landlords with meat? While I’ve had to take liberal doses of “Paap, chadega, paap!” with a slice of “Narak me bhi jaga nahin milegi,” it would be nice to actually not have to hide like a criminal every time I want to cook meat at home. Enter, the Sacha Paneer Spray, which is like an odour-masking spray of sorts. One little spray and all smells of “chiggan, mutton and phis” will be converted to dharmik, Alok Nath approved, shuddh-shakahari paneer aroma. Clever. Check out the demo here.

What’s in the box:

• 1 paneer spray bottle – To make chicken do piyaza smell like sanskaar.

My thoughts: Charan sparsh to the inventor of this kit. You did good, kid!

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Lastly, I turned to the Sanskaari Nari kit.

What’s it for: We, women, are the Devil Incarnate. We dare to go to college, get jobs, wear what we want and live how we want to. If that is not enough, we dare to look for houses to rent as well. Can you believe our effing nerve? In a country where a woman’s character is judged by what she wears, it comes as no surprise that the Sanskaari Nari kit exists. I mean, I’ve had to devise my own version of the dukhiyaari-bechaari ladki on so many occasions that I’m sure she has her own passport and ration card by now. Fortunately, this kit comes in handy when we have to change our personality completely to become someone our future landlords will deem acceptable. Awesome. Check out the demo here.

What’s in the box:

• 1 strip of bindis – For the traditional Bharatiya touch.
• 1 wig with pre-made plaits – Because how else will you look susheel?
• 1 smart sleeve – Because, sleeveless = characterless.
• 1 sari – Because “ghoonghat aurat ki shaan hai.”
• 1 piece if traditional jewellery – Because how else will they know that your father is their ATM? 

My thoughts: My inner feminist is stirring. BRB.

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Of course, I would’ve killed to have any of these kits back then when I was running from pillar to post looking for houses, but these days I stick to what I know. And I know this,

It is better to resort to an option that doesn’t discriminate. What you wear, who you live with or which pet you keep should be your business and no one else’s. 

Thankfully, NestAway understands my plight and those like me perfectly which is why renting from their options is like a breath of fresh air we all deserve. Also, a shout out to those at NestAway who decided to actually bring products from their advertisement to reality, by making them available on Amazon and Flipkart – you made my day! #HomesThatDon’tDiscriminate