Landlords should be illegal. Firstly, you have a problem with everything. “Non-veg not allowed.” Tereko kaise pata lageg main khaaunga toh, clairvoyant hai tu? Secondly, why do you shitheads have to appear once every year to increase the rent by 10%? When we called you to say, ‘The washroom doesn’t have a door’, you just asked us to shower wearing clothes. Bey, tatti kaise karenge? Anyhow, you could try saying these things when they appear next time demanding the rent be increased by another 10%. 

1. Bhagwaan ke liye jaane do mujhe

Let God help you. Because let’s be honest, this is the only non-violent solution to the landlord problem. On second thoughts, if God does help, I am pretty sure he’ll scratch the non-violent part. So…


2. You don’t want to do this

But you need to have adamantium claws to pull this off. Or, they will just call the cops and your banyan wearing dumbass will end up in jail. 

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3. Kuch apne se bhi mehnat kar le. Kab tak meri salary se apna ghar chalaega? 

The whole concept of the landlord is a scam. Increasing the rent by 10% every year should be a f***ng crime. Itna ghatiya bed hai, it broke off during masturbation, didn’t even get to have sex. 

4. Don’t be such a stuck up A-hole, like you own the place. 

If nothing works, jokes should do the trick. Indians love stand up comedy. 2-3 Muslim, reservation jokes should do the trick. Just be casual about it. Say shit like, ‘Arey uncle, main jail thodi na jaa rha hoon. Not a Muslim, remember? You specifically checked before renting’

5. Sodexo coupon lete ho, uncle? 

Maybe uncle is tired of aunty’s cooking. Because let’s be honest, uncle has never cooked a day in his life. He’s busy warding off poor people who walk their dogs in parks. Maybe uncle just wants to go to McDonald’s. 

6. I will leave the house in a month. Security ka paisa wapas kar dena, uncle please. 

Invoking security ka paisa is like using holy water on demons. They want to haunt you but not at the cost of taking a shower with holy water. 

7. Gareeb ki dua lagegi. 

Arey, at least try to beg. It should work. No matter how hard a man is, nobody likes seeing a grown person crying and begging. 

8. I don’t have any money but main kuch bhi karne ke liye taiyar hoon

This is what they show on Pornhub. Can’t vouch for the authenticity of this point. Might work, might not. 

9. Uncle help me out and when the communist revolution eventually happens, I will help you escape the guillotine. 

Laugh all you want. Lord knows the Bolsheviks did! As did Marie Antoinette. We all know how that worked out. Oh, you don’t? Oh, that’s fine. Wikipedia is back. You can Google it. 


10. Uncle, ek scheme hai, invest karoge, 21 din mein paisa double. 

Uncles are the most susceptible to crap like this. And no, it’s never immoral to con a landlord. They all deserve it. 


11. Uncle, come inside, look at the house. Wo jo neeche chuna dikh raha hai, wo deewaron pe hua karta tha. Thodi sharm kar lo

Shame them. Show them the state of the bloody house. Don’t worry, anyone who’s rented a house knows it’s always falling apart. 

Can’t get a proper appraisal here but these a**hole be coming in every year to increase the rent. Like bro, if I had the money, wouldn’t I just get a better house, MF?