The entire Delhi was in for a treat when the first metro service was announced. From that point to now, the world has revolved & rotated 360 degrees & what was supposed to be a boon has turned into a bane. Yes, that’s right, Delhi Metro has gone from a smooth ride to a bumpy experience. To the ones found guilty or the ones suffering each day, here’s a look at twelve not ten metro commandments that should be followed to attain metro heaven.

1. Don’t buildbaggage forts!

Ideally, if if you’re carrying5-6 pieces of baggage, don’t take the metro. However, if you have to, then stack them on top of each other so that they take less space. Do not, at any point, start building a fort by spreading out your luggage. You want to create forts and sand castles? Go to a damn beach!

2.It’s raining ass**les!

Some Indian men feel that the sign ‘For Ladies’ inside metro trains is put up there sarcastically. As in, ‘for ladies’ (yeah right!!). Only  that could explain the mulish attitude with which they stick to their seats when there are women standing in front of them. If you see a woman standing in front of you whileyou while you’re sitting with your legs stretched out, get up!

3.No hand holding please!

Ok, this one is simple. In fact, it’s so simple a brain dead squirrel who’s smoked too much weed and has drank 5 bottles of cough syrup should be able to understand this. If someone is already holding on to a handle strap, do not put your hand over his/hers and hold on to the same strap. This isn’t Metro Seduction Tutorial 101.

4.Get crunked! But not inside the metro!

  Maybe you’ve just won the lottery, maybe your soul mate ditched you for the milkman or maybe you just happened to stand at the right place at the right time when someone spilled some Vodka right into your mouth. Whatever the reason is, don’t travel  by the Metro if you’re freaking drunk! One of two things is bound to happen when you take the Metro drunk. Either you’ll get your face  punched in for drunken behavior or you’ll puke  all over other unsuspecting passengers. Either way, there will be a special place in hell for you. Ever heard of a cab?

5.Get your news elsewhere!

If the person next to you is reading the newspaper, do NOT shove your face into his/her space and start reading the newspaper. Sure, you might be dying to read more on the elections, sure you might want to know what Obama had for breakfast, and who got evicted from BiggBoss last night! But that doesn’t mean you’ll breathe down your neighbor’s neck and put your face in his newspaper!

6.Rub Ne bana de Jodi?

We&rsquore not sure why some people inside the metro have this completely non-creepy, not-at-all sick habit of rubbing up against fellow passengers but it is not ALRIGHT!! Are you trying to create electricity? Or are you so cold that you’re just  yearning for warmth? Whatever your reason is for doing it, DON’T!

7.Ex-squeeze me!

A normal human being, who doesn’t have psychotic fits, would stand back on seeing a completely over-crowded, over-flowing metro train. But not your average metro-goer. Their solution to handling a crowded metro is hurling themselves like mad men into the crowd as though they are some metro train Mick Jagger!

8.Earphones? Ever heard of it?

We realize there’s no better place than the Metro to listen to “chikni chameli” or “pinky paisewalon ki” and similar devotional songs but blaring it at ear-shattering volume isn’t the way to go. Ever noticed that tiny hole on the edge of your phone? It’s not for storing sugar grains! Plug in your damn earphones and listen to whatever it is you want to hear!

9.Stare! But into oblivion!

As Indians, we love to stare at other people. Nothing wrong with it. Nothing at all. No, seriously, it’s fine. But when you’re inside the metro train the constant staring doesnt reflect greatly on you. When you’re staring daggers at a stranger for no apparent reason, there’s just one thing going through their mind: “CREEEEEPPP!” 12232013120000163932126metro 9

10.Watch it, Bad Pitt!

Granted, standing up in a metro holding on to the hand straps can be tricky but that doesn’t give you the license to put your armpit into the face of the person standing next to you. Sure, to you it might be the most aromatic fragrance in the world others not so much! 12232013120000163828178metro 10    

11.Don’t be so Metrosexual!

Lovers, couples, darlings, sweethearts, you’re in love we get it! But could you please for the love of locomotion tone down the goddamn public display of affections inside the freaking metro!! It is weird! You want to flirt? Do what every other average couple in India does. Do it running around trees and behind giant flowers!

12.Fart attack!

Unleash dozens of skunks inside the metro we don’t mind but please hold back on the generous gifting of gas! Go to a meadow let it rip but do not the stink bombs inside a closed area i.e. the freaking metro!

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