So you think your ex was weird in bed? Wait until you get to the bottom of this list. Sure, animals are cute, but when it comes to mating, they are bizarre, and some of them can get downright nasty.
1. All about sex: Bonobos
It’s true! Anything else, and they’re not interested. For bonobos, sex is the answer to almost everything, be it greeting one another or even settling disputes. Just like us humans, they french kiss, perform oral sex on one another, and engage in mutual masturbation. Just like us humans. Everyone does it, right? In the bonobo world, if something can save the world, it’s got to be sex!
2. Dial R for Romeo: Frigatebird
Ok, this one’s more ‘aww’ than awkward. These birds do some of the most adorable things to attract mates and keep them interested. The frigatebird will go that extra mile to pursue his woman … errm, bird. He’d patiently wait a good 20 minutes until his throat sack inflates into what looks like an adorable big red heart-shaped balloon. The dude then calls all females to ‘check him out’. Once he gets a female frigatebird to mate with him, he covers her eyes with his wings, to keep her from getting distracted by another male frigatebird. Cute, eh?
3. Matin’ till I die: Brown Antechinus
Bang. Bang. Die. That pretty much sums up the life of the antechinus stuartii, the male antechinus. Don’t underestimate the drive of this itsy bitsy rodent. He’ll do it with every female antechinus around until the mating season gets over. Unfortunately for him, the drive comes with a price – the little creature is left with very low immunity and is often attacked by parasites; most of them die by the end of the mating season.
4. There’s a BP for every P: Pandas
Pandas have a low sex drive and heavily depend on some initial stimulation. So, this dude at the Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding and Research Base in China, came up with the bright idea of showing them ‘panda porn’.
5. Let me put my pee onto you: Porcupine
This is just downright eew! But then that’s how a male porcupine gets his female counterpart to mate with him. Yes, the male stands up on its hinds and sprays its..ahem..pee..onto the female to woo her, drenching her from top to toe. If she cries and shrugs it off, that’s her way of saying ‘I’m just not into your pheromones, dude!’. But, if she’s keen, she’ll expose her underbelly and let him have her. The coitus lasts for not longer than 2-3 minutes. So much for THAT.
6. They bang with a bang: Honey bee
It sure is not easy for the males. Treated in true royal fashion, when the queen bee turns sexually mature after being fed with nutritious goo, she takes a flight with a selected dozen or so eligible male drones, who compete midair to mate with the queen. The (un)lucky few who get to mate with her, die due to the exploding of their genitals. The male drone ejaculates with such force that a part of his penis explodes and is left behind in the queen’s reproductive tract. This also acts as a plug to keep other drones from impregnating her. She then uses the stored sperms throughout her lifetime.
7. Two become one (literally!): Anglerfish
Did you know that the lump on the head of an anglerfish is actually the remains of a male anglerfish? As bizarre as it sounds, the male anglerfish is born without a digestive system, due to which it sticks onto female anglerfish like parasites. When the female is ready to reproduce, the male is capable of producing as much sperm as is needed to fertilize eggs for years. Together forever, quite literally.
8. Who needs men? Not: Whiptail Lizards
The epicness of the whiptail lizard’s bangs comes from the fact that there are no male whiptail lizards involved. So what do the ladies do? They engage in pseudocopulation, wherein they take turns to mount on each other to stimulate the production of eggs. When the eggs hatch, the daughter lizards are all clones of the mother.
9. The art of mating without mating: Argonauts
These species of octopi seem to believe in the idea that you don’t have to get to her, to get ‘it’. Instead, they simply detach their penii (or penises) and let it swim to the female argonaut to impregnate her. Height of laziness, no?
10. More the merrier: Red-Sided Garter Snake
These creatures are super creepy when mating – they mate in volumes. No, not threesomes. Picture about 30,000 of them, twisting and turning, writhing under the spell of sex pheromones. A large number of males form a tight mating ball around one female, in an attempt to ‘get lucky’ with her.
Oh, it gets creepier – there are she-males, who release these pheromones to attract males around them. Scientists believe that they do this to keep themselves warm and safe from birds and other predators. What’s strange is that the annual mating ball is actually a tourist attraction in Manitoba, Canada.