If God himself appeared on giant LCD screens and said “Prepare for Doomsday” he wouldn’t get the kind of reaction an Apple keynote address receives. Yesterday, millions of people were able to find meaning in their lives again because Apple announced the launch of their brand new products. For those of you who want a complete breakdown of the event, here’s a list of things Apple said and what Apple actually meant:

About Bodhi

Bodhisatwa, or Bodhi as he is fondly known in the advertising circus is an obsessive, compulsive writer. When he’s not writing ads for a target audience he hasn’t met, he’s writing the first line of books that he won’t write. And when he’s not writing that, he’s writing about irrelevant things that have no implication in the macrocosm of things. Bodhi hates long words. Like obituary. And when the time is ripe, he’ll write his own, thank you very much.