India is a country of plenty. Plenty people and plenty relatives, plenty roads and plenty potholes, plenty pretty-ladies and plenty roadside-Romeos. Living in this plentiful country is a beautiful experience but no easy task. There are plenty of precepts one needs to live by. Here are some of them :
1. While standing in a long line, to reach the front becomes the aim of your life.
Nothing should be allowed to come between you and your aim. Not your grumbling stomach, not even your weak bladder. You don’t want to step out of a never ending queue to finish at the very end, do you?
2. Everyone should be comfortably seated, even if on each other’s laps.
Now aren’t we proud of being an ingenious lot! If there is no space left on the seats, sit on the floor. If the floor is taken, dangle by the rails on the gate. If the gate is taken, perch on the top of the train.
3. Always remember how a penny saved is a penny earned!
Treat a shopkeeper’s word as more flexible than Baba Ramdev. And keep trying to purchase goods for free, or really really cheap. Remember money is more precious than time.
4. A friend’s food, is your food.
What sort of a friend stops you from stealing their tiffin? Not an Indian friend! Food is meant to be shared by all, with all.
5. Never ever leave your third friend behind.
If three of you need to reach somewhere, would you leave one friend behind to jostle through crowded buses while two of you venture on the bike? What sort of a friend does that!
6. You can read your neighbor’s newspaper by using your excellent peeking skills.
Hey! Aren’t we saving paper? Also it requires more talent than you would think. Especially if you don’t know the person who is reading the newspaper.
7. Be very generous with ketchup.
Everything tastes better with a generous helping of tangy, salt-laden tomato ketchup on top. No matter what is on your plate, parantha or Maggi, ketchup is always coyly waiting on the table.
8. You should cheer for the Indian cricket team with all your friends.
Who would you give high-fives to when Kohli hit a boundary? Whom would you share a drink (or some) with when India lost? Whose shoulder would you cry on when your girlfriend broke up with you because you choose cricket over her? Your friends!
9. Only your mother can decide how much you need to eat.
You may think your stomach has inflated itself to a size of a mini van to accommodate all the food that is being piled in it by your mother. But your mother will not stop shoveling in food until she thinks you are full.
10. You just have to keep track of what your neighbor is doing.
Nothing can be more horrific than coming to know about the goings-on in your neighbor’s life from your neighbors. You should always stay ahead of them in this game! After all aren’t you a good neighbor who cares?
11. A wedding is your chance to eat good food for free.
We take shiny red envelopes with hidden cash, or shiny red boxes of gifts for the couple who don’t know us. In return, all we do is enjoy some good food. How in the world can that be wrong?
12. All is fair if you are fighting for your claim to the window seat.
A window seat has so many advantages. You can puke right outside when you feel motion-sick. You can stretch out your hand and grab goods from the hawker’s passing by. Hence it become imperative to get the window seat- by hook or by crook.
13. “SRK or Salman” is a more tricky question than “Do you love me?”
For once, your girlfriend might forgive you for answering her wrong. But if you ever get cornered by a Salman fan and a SRK fan, fake a heart attack if you have to, but get out of there, fast!
14. At no cost should your pretty outfit be hidden underneath wraps of wool.
If you take the trouble to dress up for a wedding and spend hours trying to put together your look, the least you deserve is compliments. And how would you be showered by any if all of your pretty outfit is hidden beneath hideous wraps?
15. Buy a small car when you can afford a bigger one only when you don’t fear Sharma uncle’s judgement.
Now if you earn well, why would you not buy a bigger car? Everything else, your dream holiday, your dream home can wait. Just get that big car and stop averting your gaze to avoid Sharma uncle’s life lessons.
16. Life will throw two choices at you – Engineer or Doctor. Pick one of them.
If you don’t have the aptitude to become any, it’s okay. You will still survive. But chances are you won’t be half as successful and will be cursed by your future as of now unborn kids, for your gross incompetence.
17. There is no way you will be respected if you don’t babble in English.
Now, English may be a very phunny language, but it is the language our rulers left behind for us. Don’t learn it if you think you can survive the glares that will be shot at you by people when you confess you don’t know the language.
18. Always be sensitive to your maid’s demands and expectations.
You can live without a kidney but not without your maid. They are a rare commodity and once you have fond your perfect maid, you shouldn’t let go. Because you will never find one like her again. Ever.
19. You don’t want to stand on the wrong side of a cop.
You may or may not be on the wrong side of the zebra-crossing, but never ever argue with a cop. Unless you are Commissioner’s son of course.