Electro Dance Music (EDM) is quite the rage these days. Be it clubbing, festivals or rave parties, you will be subjected to this kind of music. For some it’s just noise but there are others for whom it is ‘music’. Now, that lot is ‘technically’ in trouble. Well… At least that is what studies have claimed.
After 18 months of research involving gene & blood samples taken from EDM lovers, this is what the researchers have concluded:
“People who like EDM are likely to be upwards of 70% dumber than normal people.”
Now isn’t that a judgement? Basically those of you who do like EDM may even have trouble reading all this. Since you know… you are 70% dumber.
Dr Tim Jordan, the lead scientist in this study, said that they wanted to firstly determine if there was a genetic marker that suggested a predisposition towards EDM, and secondly, if they could find a gene responsible, to study it and try to switch it on or off.
And… *drum roll*… there was a winner! DeJ Mg2op 100 is the gene found in those inclined towards EDM. Mainly teenagers and others whom Dr Jordan called ‘douchebags’.
He also emphasized on the fact that, “shuffling, wearing assorted colourful beads, making ‘heart hands’ and mistakenly thinking that you’re part of some genuine cultural phenomenon when in fact you are just a consumer of lowest common denominator thrash.
WOW! This guy really hates EDM, doesn’t he? But let’s move on and see what else he wants to say:
“When EDM is played to people without the gene these feelings can manifest physically as grimacing, vomiting and punching oneself in one’s own face because ‘pain helps’.”
Yes, I remember punching myself to some Guetta soundtrack because I got annoyed.
“But thankfully these symptoms can be lessened by simply turning off the Afrojack CD.”
Remember when you went ‘Yuck!’, while listening to Hardwell? Well, in that case, you don’t have the DeJ Mg2op 100 and therefore are not retarded.
“In most people, who don’t have the DeJ Mg2op 100 gene, EDM or rather ‘electro-dub-house garbage,’ can still bring about symptoms ranging from mild annoyance to incredulity or even disgust and anger,” said Dr Jordan.
He also mentioned that there have been cases of people chopping off their ass cheeks with rusty saws to use as makeshift earmuffs & block out the sound of the EDM.
Ouch! The poor tortured souls.
But according to reports, such extreme behaviour has diminished since Swedish House Mafia retired.
But house music can also come to the rescue and make you smarter!
Dr Jordan says: “We’ve already been able to develop antidotes to EDM. In most cases, people who suffer from EDM can counteract the effects of the mutant gene simply by aurally ingesting 120 bpm of quality house music.”
And then there are some extreme cases that had to be dealt with more severity… techno music!
Dr Jordan said they’ve gone so far as to prescribe 160 bpm of techno administered between the hours of 8 PM Friday and 6 AM Monday until the EDM sufferer ‘wises up’. Did you ever think techno can be so useful?