Let me introduce myself before I start pouring my heart out. I am the Indian hypocrite. I am the writer. I am the reader. I am that guy on your Facebook friends list who first posted #ShamedinSydney with our captain’s photo. Or Virat’s photo. Or maybe Anushka’s. I am your neighbour. I am your partner. I am you!
First things first…
Sunny Leone is a slut. All women I jerk off to are sluts.
So, I watch porn. I am a frequent visitor of Pornhub, RedTube and the like, but mind you, only in the incognito mode of my browser. That’s the purpose of that mode right? Incognito mode is for people like me. I enjoy almost all categories but MILF would be my favorite. But you know what? I think Sunny Leone is a SLUT. All women who I jerk off to, are those. They’re anyway unattainable, so yes, that’s what they’re. I hate them, but I do dream about them. I’ve watched porn in the hostel room with 5 other guys, during engineering days. But I hate porn as well. I have never accepted that I even masturbate. That’s not human, right? So when these gutsy women said that they do, of course I had a problem with them. They’re SLUTS too.
Women who masturbate deserve rape
According to me, they deserve Rape. Why not? If they indulge in sexual pleasures, they do deserve rape right? So, that’s that. Having said that, I do not miss a chance to update a status on Facebook or make a tweet or two about how terrible I feel when someone is raped and the issue is being extensively talked about by the media. Armchair activism is my favorite pass time. It’s so easy to fool everyone around you with that. They genuinely think that I mean what I write, but let me confess, I did think about how those guys would have felt while raping. I have mentally raped many women. Why do they wear such clothes then? They provoke, evoke ‘those’ thoughts in me right? It’s their fault. Their mistake.
I am the one who tweeted #ShameInSydney but then quickly changed my stand to #ShameOnTimesNow when it started trending.
Cricket is my religion as an Indian. At least that’s what I am made to believe. Though I don’t know our line up for batting or full names of those in the squad, I have to pretend that I will kill for cricket. Because that’s what ‘real’ Indians do, apparently. I have never played cricket in a proper ground, nor have I ever been selected to any respectable teams, starting from my school cricket team. But I, for sure, have the knowledge, skill and experience to tell Mr. Dhoni how to play and make others play. It was completely Dhoni’s mistake that we lost the semi final match of this year’s world cup. Wasn’t it? And Virat’s. How can we forget that!
I was also a part of those people who tried to trend the ‘#ShamedinSydney’ initially, but the moment I realized it backfired even for Arnab Goswami, I changed my stand to #ShameOnTimesNow. I am where the trend is!
Even if I have had sex umpteen times, I am still a virgin. But a female friend who has a boyfriend, has already lost her virginity thrice.
I am a virgin. Even if I have had sex umpteen number of times, I still am a virgin. But a female friend of mine who has a boyfriend, she has already lost virginity thrice, in my mind. And I make it a point to raise that on her face “You’re not a virgin anymore, right?”. I would want my would-be to be a virgin. I am clear on that because I can’t get married to a ‘used’ person. You read that right. ‘Used’. Women are commodities in my mind. But mind you, not my mother. My mother is the sweetest thing ever happened to me. God’s gift to mankind. So is my sister. She’s had seven boyfriends, but she’s a virgin. She’s my sister, so she can’t not be a virgin.
The AIB roast: I can’t take such nonsense bhenchod!
I abuse a lot. That’s in my genes. I can’t talk two sentences in Hindi without the word ‘ Bhenchod’. But how dare All India Bakchod organise a roast in India! I have no fucking clue what a roast is anyway, but censor board said it was a shame and they filed FIRs against even those women who laughed at the ‘apparent’ jokes cracked during the show. They can’t abuse or insult like that! Not in public and certainly not in front of those 4000 people who genuinely knew what a roast is about, paid money to watch it and definitely not about/to those people who were participating in the roast, taking everything in good spirit. I can’t take such nonsense bhenchod.
I loved the ‘higher’ decision to ban the video, or say, taking it down since that’s what we’re doing anyway for everything, from protests to documentaries to beef.
I love Yo! Yo! Honey Singh but never say that in public lest I be judged by feminists
I personally dread him, his fashion sense and the mustache he sports, but I love his songs. Especially, the lyrics. I don’t say that out in public since many feminist men and women out there keep complaining about his lyrics. They think his lyrics are extremely derogatory, patriarchal and sexist. See for yourself –
“Blue eyes hypnotize teri kardi ai mennu I swear! chhoti dress mein bomb lagdi mennu Glossy lips, uff yeh tricks Baby lagdi ai killer Oh yeah oh yeah Katal kare tera bomb figure” Is it not right? Though I don’t raise this in public, this is exactly how I think, and how I want my younger brother to think. Just that my sister should never wear dresses. Mr.Singh is a true Indian who understands the correct pulse of Indian men. There, I said it. In the open.
I condemn smoking, and judge women who do, but I do ask my colleague whether she wants to go out for a smoke, every three hours.
I drink. Though I drink occasionally, there’s always one every day. I also smoke. But never in public. That’s against the law. I am aware that drinking and smoking are bad for health and is anyway not a respectable habit to have. That’s why I don’t do it in front of elders. Girls, of course shouldn’t drink. Now you’d think I am saying this because I am a male chauvinist pig, but no! I am saying this because I care for their safety.
Girls get high too soon and they wouldn’t be able to handle themselves. Also, drinking with men is not at all a great idea because it might just end in rapes. That’s why I choose not to drink with family. Smoking habit among women is a new trend in India. I condemn it, and judge those women who do, but I do ask my colleague whether she wants to go out for a smoke, every three hours. Again, don’t misunderstand me. I don’t do that to utilize that opportunity to secretly lech her, but only because my male colleague is plain annoying.
Though I would love to continue pouring my heart out, I think I should stop now. There should always be something to look forward to in life, right? Like I look forward to Sunny Leone’s upcoming movie, though I hate the sight of her. Yours truly,
The Indian Hypocrite
P.S: If ‘The Indian Hypocrite’ offended anyone, please understand that it was absolutely intentional.”
About the writer
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