Indians are highly susceptible to cardiovascular diseases. One in four Indian has a heart attack every minute. What does this gibberish mean? That we are chronically stressed and awfully stuck up. Okay, statistics don’t say that. But don’t we all just know that? Sometimes while walking on the road, someone smiles at you. And you wish more people would do that, smile innocently.
Don’t get me wrong here. We are warm, hospitable people. But somehow, sometimes we lose it like in all his movies and get crazy angry over trivial issues. If only we could stop flying into a rage over these stupid things, we would be so much better!
Here are some trivial things I wish we would stop fighting over :
1. Parking Space Drama
The frequency of fights related to parking a car in the neighbourhood is more than the number of times Modi’s name was written on his kurta . Some of us are struck by blindness when faced by signboards which read ‘No Parking’ and insist on parking our cars right there. And needless to say, this doesn’t suit some of us who treat parking space as one of their most prized possession, more important than a canister of petrol even!
2. Getting territorial over terrace/common staircase
For all of us living in apartments, feuds over shared spaces is a dark reality. Many a times a times you had to wear the shame shirt to office for three days because your neighbour objected to you using up all the space on the terrace to dry your clothes. If your neighbour is a teeny-weeny bit more possessive you have to make sure that nothing, NOTHING be it your newspaper, doodh or dustbin, ever lie in their way.
3. That precious seat on the Metro/bus seat
Yes, we have all had a tiring day when after finishing an assortment of tasking tasks we board the Metro/local/bus. And so ‘scoring’ a seat is high up on our priorities list. The government, the metro, the driver, everyone is to be blamed for the claustrophobic environment in which we have to travel. So we end up fighting for that rare commodity of a seat.
4. The Timeless Question: Bhai or King
SRK or Salman – this pair is responsible for more violence (only verbal though) than the USA. Indians love Bollywood to bits and they have to pick one side in this never-ending battle between Bhai and SRK. Even when people don’t, it is impossible to not be surrounded by their fans who engage in heated debates and discussions over who is the better actor, dancer, human and so on.
5. The fuss over queues
Time is precious, why waste it on standing in queues? That’s the motto of every queue-jumper. They all think of themselves as Amitabh Bachchan of the bygone eras-” Hum jahan khade hote hain, line wahin se shuru hoti hai, haaayin!” Be it outside a theater or a hospital, we just don;t seem to have the patience to wait for our turn. We wholeheartedly believe that our need should be fulfilled at the drop of a hat and needless queues which stand in our way should be done away with.
6. The customary haggling over prices
So we don’t ever have time to stand in queues. Why? Because we use up all the queue-time bargaining! Never ever will a shopper be able to part with what’s on sale without offering a discount to the eager Indian bargainer. Unless of course the shopper is naive and doesn’t have much bargaining talent.
7. The frustrating last order at the bar
All the ruckus created at night at a bar for that last drink is enough to wake everyone within a ten-km radius. Some of us just don’t understand that pubs and bars have working hours too. If they shower their love upon us through ‘Happy Hours’ why can’t we respect their ‘Working Hours’?
8. IPL team loyalties
India changed in 2008 when IPL was launched. The one great unifying force -cricket, became a divisive force with the introduction of IPL. IPL has led to complete estrangement for the best of friends who supported two different teams. Bros before hoes and IPL team before bros.
9. Matters of neighbourly concern
When in India, do what Sharma Uncle thinks is right – that is the rule most of us swear by. And not without reason. Uncles are adamant about the innumerable rules. And God help you if you dare cross their Lakshman Rekha. If they spot you walking in any time later than __ (insert the number your ‘uncle’ favors), you are told off. And if you retort, wham! the fight begins.
10. The Great Indian Road Rage
There are two rules to driving in India – drive as fast as you can and don’t let any motherfu**er tell you how to drive. And a sub-point of the second rule is to blast away at anyone who dares to educate you about driving etiquette. There’s not one person who hasn’t been a witness, if not an acting participant in a road rage incident in India (irrespective of whether he/she owns a car or not).
11. Cultural differences
A perfectly harmonious gathering can turn nasty in a moment if somehow the people gathered reach the topic of cultural differences. In spite of being empowered, educated individuals, we carry several prejudices within our hearts. And once a match is struck around this heap of gunpowder, sky-high flames leap up in the air.
12. Over each other’s kids
If respecting elders is a rule in India, (over)protecting one’s kids is a bigger rule. So irrespective of whether their kid is at fault or not, possessive aunties can be spotted defending them with all their might. No matter which of the kid in the colony breaks a windowpane, no matter which kid is responsible for starting a fight, their moms appear at the spot of the incident to defend their kid.
13. Pet-ty issues
Dogs are a man’s best friend. And his neighbours best enemy. Your neighbour hates your dog who takes certain liberties in front of their door, on their car or in their lawn. Many a colony’s peace is distributed by these fights surrounding man’s furry friends.
14. The tu tu main main surrounding the Big Fat Indian Wedding
Weddings feature high on top on the list of priorities of Indians. And why not? It is a sublime ritual which brings together people. But it doesn’t remain just that. More often than not, it is an occasion for everyone to start making crazy demands . When these demands are not met, an argument ensues which quickly escalates into a fight.
15. The North-South divide
Indians from geographically opposite locations in India get along just fine. Unless they are somehow put in a corner where they are left with no option but to start calling each other names based on their geographical locations.
16. The political party lafda
Politics is a very political topic in India. Not to mention highly inflammatory, that should be handled with care and should never be exposed in the open. If somehow a discussion on political parties/leaders/frauds/scams starts anywhere between any set of individuals, a fight that would send shivers down the spine of Spartans begins.
17. The best school/college argument
Indians take great pride in belonging to a particular school or college. And why shouldn’t they? After all their alma mater has played a huge role in shaping their lives. However, sometimes their loyalty to their school/college can take a completely nasty turn and lead to a fight which will never ever offer any resolution.