I don’t like unhappiness. Totally against it. That’s why the universe made me Punjabi. But that’s not important. What’s important is that today’s an occasion: Valentine’s Day. Personally I don’t like it, because it’s a lot like Narendra Modi: divisive. It divides the society into the ‘HAVES’ and the ‘HAVE NOTS’. The HAVES are like ‘We have, let’s do’, and the HAVE-NOTS are like ‘Fuck the HAVES’. But they can’t. Because they’re HAVE-NOTS. And only HAVES fuck other HAVES. Yeah yeah, it’s complex I know, but nobody said this shit was easy. I’m more for an egalitarian society where everyone’s happy.

Valentine’s Day is the 3rd most fucked up day of the year, the first two being New year’s Eve and your birthday. The most offensive thing anyone can say to you is: ‘What’re you doing?’. To which you say ‘Whoever says yes’. But that’s only if you’re a guy. If you’re a single woman, you go buy boots and drink something with your girl gang and say ‘Guys suck!’ They wish. Now I only wonder if there’re people whose New Year Resolution is to not be single on Valentine’s Day. Nice. Planning ahead, setting goals. Dreams. Just like Dhirubhai Ambani. I’d like to find one such person and have him handle my tax rebates.

Thing is, people do make plans on Valentine’s Day. Mostly because ‘that-fb-album-wont-click-itself’ and partly because ‘Valentine’s Day Offer. Buy one get one free’. Which sounds really shady to me, but I can’t change people. Can I stop people from doing mindless shit like an MBA from the University of *Random British Suburb* just because everyone else is? No.

If you’re single, I can’t set you up with anyone. I could, but then how will you learn? I could offer you easy solutions, but this is real life boss. You don’t give a hungry man fish, you teach him how to fish. What I can do is educate you. To put you on a journey of self-discovery and help you find out who you really are:

1) The sad singleton.

The aforesaid person is single and sad. Is he single because he’s sad? Or is he sad because he’s single? Plato said that pertinently in his paper titled ‘It’s all Greek’ when he said ‘Your face is single’. They’re the kinds who go ‘Shit. It’s that time of the month’ on the 14th of February. They say things like ‘It’s overrated’. Most of them have very high standards, a lot of body hair and a cat. Not a dog, because dogs are happy, and sad people don’t do happy. They make plans with other sad, single people. They look out for other people with whom they can share alcohol-induced sentiments of ‘HOW COULD SHE LEAVE ME DUDE’, to which you say ‘Dude, she found Saif. No offence, but he’s royalty’.

2) The singleton in denial.

They’re single and they hate it. It hurts their ego. They’re driven by massive levels of testosterone that knows no defeat, even if they’re women. Some of them could be your friends. Here’s a test that’ll help you find out if they’re true friends: Just ask them if they’re single. If they say ‘I’m single and ready to mingle LOL’, never talk to them again. They wake up and put up shit status messages like ‘Proud to be single.:)’. Single girls will share Sex and the City memes and go ‘Me and my girls!’. Do you see what they’re doing here? They’re finding happiness in sadness. Reverse psychology. Positive thinking. Cognitive Dissonance. Good. That’s what the Congress does with Rahul Gandhi every day.

3) The singleton with hope

These are my favourite single people. They don’t know it, but the world runs because of them. They’re perpetual optimists. They think they’ll go out looking for action and get it. They’ll wear slutty dresses, pump their biceps in the gym and go out clubbing. They ask out the person they have a crush on who goes ‘Friend Zone, bitch’. No problem. They’ll use their Nokia Lumia 205859 to google the best pick up lines and use them on unsuspecting women. They’ll meet people and call them ‘dear’. Do they find love? Do they get laid? Of course not. But do they try? Hell yeah.

These are the people who will revive the economy. They invest lakhs in HDFC mutual funds and lose them. But what do they do? They invest again. In Birla Sun Life this time. Doesn’t matter. So what if they’re not getters, they’re doers. They’ll jump in the middle of the dance floor and do naagin dance on ‘Ohohoho Ishq tera tadpaave’ till all girls leave the dance floor. It’s only 4 guys dancing to Sukhbir. I like that. No fear of getting judged.

Now that I’ve given you an insight into who you could be, let me go a step ahead, because that’s the kind of guy I am. I believe in the dictum of Mahatma Gandhi who famously said “If you want to get some action, take action”. You can avoid being all of these people by asking just one simple question: Will you go out with me?

You know who else did? Shiney Ahuja. So what if the answer he got was ‘But I need a bigger broomstick’. At least he tried.

About the author:

Vikramjit Singh is a Delhi based writer and Stand Up Comedian. He usually writes to sell things, and in really desperate times, sells himself. Follow him here .