All of us have been at the bar table. And while we forget what we do while we are drunk, those attending to us do not.
Here are some of the craziest encounters bartenders have experienced.
1. She hung out until we turned the god lights on and still begged me to do it.
I had a much older woman beg me to have sex with her to the point of her crying at my bar for a good 20 minutes. I didn’t have the heart to throw her out, it was pretty obvious she had some shit going on in her life.
2. I let him drink for free.
I once had a guy tell me that his fiance had just died the previous night. She had a heart attack or something sleeping next to him, and he woke up to find her gone. They were supposed to get married in a few months. He kept saying how he might have been able to help her if he had woken up. He had been at work all day, because he owned his own store and couldn’t afford to close. It was fucking heartbreaking. I let him drink for free.
3. He told me about all their great years together, choking back tears a few times.
I was bartending one afternoon when a man came in who had just come from putting down his old dog. He told me about all their great years together, choking back tears a few times. While tending to another customer I glanced over to see him deeply inhaling the scent of the dog off of its collar he’d saved, tears rolling down his cheeks.
4. I of course dismissed this as the drunken ramblings of a madman.
I used to work in a bar across from a large hospital. I had one guy spend a lot of time in the bar while his wife was in the hospital across the street having a difficult childbirth. He told me my martinis were the best and promised to name his child after me. I of course dismissed this as the drunken ramblings of a madman.
5. The beer I served him was warm and flat.
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One time this guy drank more then half his beer, went to the bathroom, and came back with a full glass. He then proceeded to complain that the beer I served him was warm and flat. Safe to say I sent him home.
6. It was probably mostly bullshit, but it was wild from start to finish.
I got the intimate details of this guys divorce, why they divorced, how he tried to hang himself afterwards, failed, went on a drug-fueled blowout where he basically blew what little money he had on strippers and prostitutes and ended up getting arrested for assaulting someone in the street and how he was on the mend now – at a strip club bar, almost lying on it from both drink and probable exhaustion. It was probably mostly bullshit, but it was wild from start to finish.
7. I was so astounded that her mother punched her.
One night a gorgeous girl showed up so wasted I could not serve her. Every guy in the bar was trying to buy drinks for her and take her home. I refused to serve her. Period. I told her to either call someone to pick her up, or I would call her a cab but she wasn’t drinking at my bar. Her mother shows up and they proceed to have a fist fight in front of the bar. I was so astounded that her mother punched her; we broke it up and I put the poor girl in a cab and sent her on.
8. I walked up, blew it off the bar and told them it was time to get the fuck out.
One night at closing I had two drunk dudes finishing off their drinks and I allowed them to do so while I ran through my closing duties. They were pretty chill and jovial through-out the night so I wasn’t worried about them. I went to go dump trash and came back to them braking out lines of coke on the bar. I walked up, blew it off the bar and told them it was time to get the fuck out. Seriously, who the fuck thinks that’s a good idea? Go do that shit off the back of a toilet like everyone else, have some respect for yourself.
9. To clarify she was throwing the liquid not the physical glass.
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Saw a wife go to throw her glass of red wine in the face of her husband but he matrix dodged that shit and it hit the couple behind them, hilarious.
10. I called the police and told them to make sure the dumb bastard didn’t kill anyone.
One night around closing one of my customers showed up shit faced dragging a bicycle from his front bumper. I found out which bar he came from, what route he took, locked his keys in his car, called him a cab, called the police and told them to make sure the dumb bastard didn’t kill anyone. I never saw that guy again.
11. I was guaranteed to walk out with no less than $200’s.
As a pretty, young female bartender in a wealthy tourism destination, I was propositioned WAY more times than I thought was ever possible. Old creepy grandfathers offering me cars, clothes and to pay off my student loans to have a night with them. It was really gross.
12. The off-duty cop who used to hit on me daily, followed me back to my dorms one night after closing at 3am.
The off-duty cop who used to hit on me daily, followed me back to my dorms one night after closing at 3am. I used to bring my school security guard drinks when I came home. This night, I passed my security guard his Triple shot tequila margarita in a styrofoam cup and told him the dude coming up behind me is a cop, he is off-duty, he is following me and not to let him in. He opened the gate and shut it right behind me. Didn’t let the cop in. That security officer was the shit.
13. Now just how big a tip would I have to leave tonight….
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My husband was a bartender for a restaurant back when we first started dating and he had a grandmother obnoxiously try to set up her adult granddaughter with him on Valentine’s Day. Every time he came by she would go on about how handsome he was and how good-looking a couple he would make with her granddaughter, and then as he would leave she would turn to the granddaughter and say cruder things like “he looks like he would have a big penis.” Eventually she directly asked him to take her granddaughter out after dinner and “make her valentine’s day special” and after he politely declined, explaining that he had a girlfriend, the woman replied “oh come on, forget about her! Now just how big a tip would I have to leave tonight….for my granddaughter to get that even bigger tip later” and she gestured at his pants. The granddaughter was mortified. A few awkward apologies from the granddaughter later, and the grandmother still had the audacity to write her granddaughter’s phone number on the bill with the message “if you change your mind”
14. I have no idea if he had a bad sexual encounter.
I once had a military guy, probably about 26 who was a regular at the bar I worked at last year. He would come in alone to chat with my coworker and I and seemed pretty lonely; this bar was in a smaller town with not a great scene or much military presence. Anyway one slow night he comes in right before I am about to close and asks me for a whiskey sour. I make it for him but before I can even give it to him he looks up at me with the saddest face and says “I have something to confess. I take steroids.” I was pretty speechless so I said “uh, at least it isn’t heroin?” And on the next breath he goes “I take them up my ass. I’ve never told anyone that.” And slumps down in his chair. I have no idea if he had a bad sexual encounter or if the weight of his use was just too much to keep private anymore, but I honestly felt bad for the guy. Wonder where he ended up.
15. I gave him a free beer because WHAT THE FUCK.
I had a guy come in once and sit at the bar and he just sat staring at the bar top. After a few beers he finally looked up and we started chatting. He had just been walking through downtown Portland and a man had jumped off the 30th story of a building and landed at his feet. He still had blood on him. I gave him a free beer because WHAT THE FUCK.
Design Credits: Nupur Agrawal
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